Dumb Reviews

Looking Into: Is Ben Wyatt Really a Stern fan?

2011-09-05T17:33:00.000-04:00

Part of what makes Parks and Recreation such a wonderful show is the believability, depth, and full-realization of the characters. However, upon being reminded of this clip of a drunk Ben Wyatt going on camera and mustering the Howard Stern salute of 'Baba Booey' I was left wandering if it really makes sense for Ben to be a Howard Stern fan.

Let's look quickly at another Baba Booey from NBC's Thursday Night Lineup: Dennis Duffy. I can't find the clip online but basically, Dennis is being awarded for saving someone in the subway-

Dennis: Thank you Mayor Bloomberger. I accept this honor on behalf of every… Stern rules! Baba Booey!

Now, Dennis is a much sleazier guy than Ben. That should not distract us from each character's delivery of the message. Dennis is clearly the center of attention in his "Baba Booey", stopping in a middle of a press conference to fulfill some promise to himself about being on TV. Ben Wyatt on the other hand is almost blackout drunk. In this state, after being in front of this TV crew for quite some time and having familiarity with them, we find Ben in a very relaxed state. Ben's "Baba Booey" is a more letting his guard down because this is him trying to be funny. Whereas a more classic Stern 'Baba Booey' salute is meant to be more at the expense of the media outlet, Parks and Rec deftly references uses pop culture to make a character more human.

So to answer the question- Is it believable that Ben Wyatt is a Howard Stern fan? Definitely yes. Ben Wyatt was a hot shot 18 year old who ran for Mayor. He is currently breaking a government rule and dating a co-worker. And now that they have introduced Ben's Stern fan side, there is a clearer picture of just how much darker, mellow, and real the character is.

It goes to show that you shouldn't be surprised that anyone ever likes the Howard Stern show. It's a smart, insightful, and very entertaining wealth of information. By being a Stern fan- Ben Wyatt went from 'kind of prudish' to 'guy who's just dealing with life'. I don't believe we'll see anymore of Ben's Howard Stern side, I'd find it totally believable that that phase of his life is over (He does seem to enjoy Crazy Ira and the Douche though).

There is room for argument here: was Ben just saying 'BabaBooey' because he just knows thats what you are supposed to say to the camera? NO, I say. That's kind of bush league writing, aka something Family Guy has done in, of course, a throwaway flashback gag. The Parks and Rec team are too smart to toss just throw a moment like that.

There you have it: answering a question no one asked and providing a long answer while taking a quick dig at Family Guy. Welcome back, blog.

Claptrap

2011-07-31T22:06:00.002-04:00

It's actually claptrap. One word. Go ahead. Type it into word. It won't be red-underlined. Redunderlized. Claptrap means "absurd or nonsensical talk or ideas". I think it was also a popular pony name in the 1800s.

Is this a word worth reviving? No. I honestly thought it would mean trapping something through clapped hands. Like a bug. But when the hands make the audible clap sound, I'd guess that would kill it. So then I thought, it meant leading someone to a trap with clapping, then a trap that would would fence you in with walls of sounds of claps. Then I figured it meant vagina, because there is so much slang for vagina. I'd imagine a phrase to be 'a dusty old claptrap'. All these are better than the actual word for claptrap.

Claptrap should actually mean trapping claps. Like a chinese finger trap for the whole hands. Or a vacuum that sucks out sound. Those things already exist, though. Those fur things Russians use to warm their hands. To me that's a claptrap. And creating an environment that dilutes the audible quality of the clap to silence is basically just being louder than clapping.

Examples:

Claptrap

AND

Also, a claptrap.

I hope we learned 2 things today. That you don't have to care what words actually mean, and most words can refer to a vagina.

Actually Acceptable in a NY Subway: Blowing Bubbles

2011-07-24T18:29:00.004-04:00

New York Subways are hilarious. Hilarious for the fact that this is literally millions of people's mode of transportation and we all hate it. The rest of America uses their ride to work to unwind, relax, let out some steam, etc. New Yorkers use a public service and just share a space with strangers they'll never talk to and just be miserable.

On the plus side, you can get away with a lot on the NY subway- right homeless people? (sidenote- the internet doesn't make fun of homeless people enough- they can be super annoying and they can't defend themselves over the internet). In this bi-annual semi-quartley feature, we look at one thing anyone can get away with on the subway. This time: Blowing Bubbles.

Soap bubbles. It's a very innocent thing. So innocent that I've seen a little girl do this on a semi-crowded F train on a Friday night, and my initial thought was: 'how cute'. A quick scan of the rest of the train car and no one seemed to mind at all. The bubbles didn't stray pass a 2 feet from the blower, plus it was refreshing to see a happiness on the train. This would still be acceptable on a crowded subway, granted the little girl was sitting and in no danger of spilling the bubble solution, because honestly people wouldn't notice and if they did- it's soap bubbles.

An adult would still be able to get away with blowing bubbles. If I saw a grown person consciously blowing bubbles, be it for their enjoyment or to sell something or to even annoy the rest of the train, I could put up with that. People listening to music is 10 times as annoying as being touched by a bubble. Again- the blower must have a secure handle on not spilling the solution. I can't stress that enough. If that sticky water spills you crossed the threshold into irreversible asshole. Why? Because people had to move.

It would be weird to see a bunch of people blowing bubbles on a crowded subway train. Then after about 2 minutes it wouldn't be. Then after another 2 minutes, you'd be amused by other people who just got into the car's initial reactions. Then after another 2 minutes, you'd pretty much forget about it.

One final note: this is in no way affiliated with blowing bubble gum. Do not do that on the subway. It's something in your mouth that you are showing to people. Less crowded cards with a buffer of an empty seat on each side- whatever. But if I'm sitting next to someone blowing a bubble, that messes with my peripheral vision. It makes me conscience and aware of an imminent-ish danger. So if you're gonna blow a bubble- blow bubbles instead.

END

Review: US Women's Soccer's Popularity

2011-07-17T18:25:00.002-04:00

I don't understand you, US Women's Soccer. You're hardly the best a) because you're soccer and b) because you're played by women.

A) Soccer isn't america's sport. It's the world's sport sure, but we have Football. And baseball. Sports that have more violence and strategy and ridiculous field equipment. You're just shorts and a shirt running around a field with a ball. Boring.

B) Women are great at sports. That is a fact because any person who trains and dedicates their lives to a particular field, they are going to be great at it. I am not saying women are bad at sports. I'm saying no one watches women play sports. The WNBA, the most popular female league with its own huge stars and great athletes- they have to sell advertisements on their jersey to make money. There is a women's football league no one cares about (I know this because I lived closed to the stadium where The Pittsburgh Passion played). The Las Vegas team is named the ShowGirlz and the Memphis team just goes by Memphis Women's Tackle Football.

Those are points. I'm not upset about it being popular. I just don't understand it. Maybe its just a case of American pride in international competition coupled with a strong marketing push to interest us in a fringe sport. Like how The Williams Sisters are the most popular female athletes because they dominate their sport. It's good for the sport. Regardless- Abbie Wambach and Hope Solo are fun names to say. The world can always use more fun names.

Alternate Lines: "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown."

2011-07-05T07:48:00.001-04:00

"Remember, Jake. We happen TO BE IN Chinatown."

"Damn that's some Chinatown there, ain't it Jake?"

"Chinatown... RIGHT?"

"Of all places, Jakey, Motherfucking Chinatown."

"Chinatown you bastard!!!!! Ok, let's go."

"I've heard of Chinatown before, but this is ridiculous!"

"You wanna rush in there- scoop her brains back in her head, keep that grandfather from probably raping that kid, return the town's water supply, grab the headlines, and have your nose cosmetically repaired? Well you can't. This is Chinatown. Everything's out of sorts here."

"Hahahaha.... oh man. Chinatown" (shakes heads) "You coming, Jake?"

Cowboy Humor

2011-07-02T08:01:00.000-04:00

What do you call a city slicker on a horse?

-Whatever name was on the credit card he used to pay you for that privilege

Why do city slickers drink so much milk?

-There are many factors at play: the dairy council's strong pull within congress, a psychological instinct of not being mothered enough that has developed from the daily fear of not providing for their family, and for the fact that us cowboys are so good at our jobs that cattle are abundant and prosperous

How does a city slicker shoot a pistol?

-Through training and practice

Where do city slickers buy cowboy hats?

-Places that have receipts

What Gay Marriage Brings To the Table

2011-06-25T18:27:00.008-04:00

Just like immigrants, we welcome Gay marriage to New York. Now that the state has legalized Gay Marriage, the Gay community has a lot to look forward to as homosexuality becomes more accepted as normal.

-Gay Divorce: Divorce rates are sky the high. Gay people aren't immune to that fact. They also face real problems and disagreements. Do I expect the gay divorce rate to be any greater than the current one? Well, I don't care. Everyone do what you want to do.

-Gay Gold-Diggers: There are old, rich, and gay people. Old, rich, and gay are fairly common traits to be found, so there is a huge overlap between those vague descriptions. Plus, there are just assholes in the world. I am not saying gay people are assholes, I am saying that gay people are people. And a lot of people are assholes. They'll be gay gold diggers, and they'll probably think of a new term for that. Even though they don't have to. Gold Dickers?

-Gay Estranged Spouses: It could be good for their marriage. Shit happens.

-Less pride parades: Everyone gets it- you're allowed to be gay. It's cool that you're proud of it. But parades are annoying. Married people don't worry about parades, they worry about living life. I'm just saying that being gay is normal and no big deal (and I'm sorry if it is a big deal to you, but it's just who you are). Celebrate if you want to, but it's not an alternative lifestyle. It's just life.

- Gay Complacency: that's nothing new to anyone. They'll just be more movies about it with gay couples. Which is great. Goodness knows how Hollywood revels in cliches. Pretty soon they'll have a standard studio sitcom where the only difference is that its a gay couple. It won't be unfunny because they're gay. It'll be unfunny because its a standard studio sitcom.

That's it. 5 things. I'm happy for everyone.

Top Ten Best of Essential List: Types of Goobers

2011-06-24T07:32:00.008-04:00

TEN:

a Nestle treat

NINE:

dog scientists

EIGHT:

Selena Gomez

SEVEN:

miscellaneous dorks

SIX:

advertising lingo to attract kids

FIVE:

educational lingo to attract kids

FOUR:

drunk kids

THREE:

the cartoon dog that made Scooby-Doo more relatable to real life

TWO:

$85 rock art

ONE:

what seperates Big Dave from other Big Daves

TOO OBVIOUS:

Pyle

NOT OBVIOUS ENOUGH:

alien train

HONORABLE MENTION:

booger nemesis

EVEN MORE HONORABLE MENTION:

confederate BBQ wear

GOOBER HALL OF FAME:

Michelle Branch

Review: Kurt Rambis

2011-06-22T21:46:00.008-04:00

The truth of it is: Kurt Rambis, the coach (assistant-, head-, otherwise) ruined my own mental image of Kurt Rambis, the Laker.

Yes, that is mostly on looks. When

he was a Laker he was lanky-white power forward filling out sho

rt shorts with a Hanson-brother head with extra sweet dripping from the tips of the hair and the face punctuated by a mustache. He was the role-player guy whose job it was touch the bell less and more effectively so that Magic, Kareem, James, better players in general, were able to make great things happen with it.

FUN FACT: Rambis played in Greece before playing with the Lakers where he was known as Kyriakos Rambidis.

He used hustle. He was a reason to not hate the Lakers. He fought Kevin McHale in the finals. He was a reason to hate the Lakers even more. He was a cartoony-looking character who embodied teamwork. He was a reason to love watching basketball.

It was funny when we first were aware he even coached. It was during the lockout year of 98-99. Del Harris was fired, and Kurt, sans glasses looking like Irwin R. Schyster in a blazer, won his first 9 names. Everyone made more ironic Superman jokes.

Then he was assistant for awhile, which probably was the best thing for him. He had the success and now he could just leech off the success of Phil Jackson. I'm sorry, I bet Rambis did help in some capacity, but he wasn't a Phil guy. He was a Laker guy. At that time, Laker guys were annoying.

Then he became coach of the Timberwolves. Right after Kevin McHale left, but who had them playing better. I mention this because Kevin McHale had one up on Rambis already. So Coach Kurt came in and screwed with Kevin Love's minutes, and now he is a fired head coach with a horrible record. Hopefully for Kurt, our consensus as sports fans is to blame his Marx Brother of a boss David Kahn. But honestly, I'm ok with hating him.

Wear the glasses again Kurt. It's pretty much your only option right now.

Ways We Watch TV Shows in 2011: DVDs via Netflix

2011-06-16T07:55:00.002-04:00

As a poor person, I do not like paying for cable. This causes me not to purchase cable and therefore causes me not to watch TV shows on cable. That itself is a mixed blessing. Luckily, Adult Swim puts all their content online, also I have developed patience, which is a virtue.

Currently, I am in the middle of Breaking Bad seasons 3. Which was released last Tuesday. I was lucky enough to receive it last Wednesday. So that's a step 1. Paying attention to release dates, so in that you may add it to your queue so in that you may get it right away upon initial release. It's smart. PLAY SMART.

The trick with Netflix, made easier by an intense TV show like Breaking Bad, is to power through. Never watching one episode at a time, at least 2. It's a get-in, get-out situation. Mess with commentaries if you dare, but there are 4 discs you're working with.

That's really the only advice I have. Sure, I miss the week-to-week cliff hangers; the naturalness of watching a TV program as it airs; and the fandom that entails. Breaking Bad on Netflix works though. I can watch back-to-back with pausing, and it costs less than DVRs. Plus I get to see DVD design (HUGE SPOILER: disc 2 has Marie on it?).

Basically-

Watching TV shows initially on DVD instead of on the television works if a) you're not an asshole, b) you're good at avoiding information/spoilers until the DVD, c) you give-in to the power of the TV show d) there are no rules, e) This point sponsored by Netflix, the number 1 leader in making you brag about how you're watching TV

Gross Post Blank: What I learned from the Cat's Butthole

2011-06-15T08:01:00.005-04:00

When I was 5, our cat's butthole was the oddest shape to me. I laughed and loved and imitated that cat's butthole. It was a forever lemon-face puckering pink into infinity. It was the bottom of a blossoming pumpkin on a dewy autumn morning. It was whispering in a room full of Opera Singers.

Staring at that cat's butthole I experienced new depths of humility, degradation, and friendship. I witnessed firsthand the limits and the possibilities of physics, the ire and rejoice of instinct, and the vivid hue and the ashen thud of brown. I put all my troubles, feelings, and lazy days into that cat's butthole.

Then other cats' buttholes happened. Cats with the same contours and shape of our cat's butthole, with the same prestige and demeanor of our cat's butthole, with the same context and liability of our cat's butthole. Our cat's butthole lost its aura, its dimensions, its purpose. Its "claws". If the same introspection I felt when I looked at my cat's butthole could be felt by looking into in any cat's butthole, then there is no point into looking into any cat's butthole.

I was innocent enough to experience the magic a cat's butthole can possess. I'd still like to think there, out there, in the vastness of cat butthole's, there is cat whose butthole is expanding its essence, evolving into new parameters of cat's buttholes, offering deeper reflections upon a curious lads wandering eye, and keeping spirits tight and pure. A pure, tight asshole of hope for mankind.

Will we ever get there, who knows. Don't let not knowing keep you from looking in your own cat's butthole.

Review: Ankle Socks

2011-06-14T08:01:00.001-04:00

I remember ankle socks like it was yesterday. A cool autumn-ish yesterday where we still where irony was lost on us, most dials would turn to the left (as opposed to all dials) , and people still feared the Kraken.

With this baby on the way, our whole half-word is upside down while our half whole world remains staunch in its observation. Sure and technically yes, we are still wearing ankle socks. BUT- we're not calling them ankle socks. They are just socks to us now. The novelty is more than worn off. It has disintegrated into a taste bud on a fly's tongue. Not the good taste bud that can taste hair and fear perspiration, but the even more minuscule one that recognizes between hot or cold, steam or smoke, and acid-wash or post-acid-wash.

Exposed flesh is a young man's game. It was an old women's game. Somewhere down the line between women who posed in Playboy having to find other sources of income, and Astronauts having to pose in Playboy to become a more well-rounded people- we lost what it was that which we wore to our ankles. Our ankle socks have left the nest of two-word phrases and shed it's first word skin. Leave them alone, they have work to do.

Our adult wardrobe is pile-driving my iron 'chic'

South Park Review: You're Getting Old

2011-06-10T17:09:00.004-04:00

How about blowing your shit up, right? South Park has absolutely earned the right to do anything they want, and if they want to make a depressing, John Cassavetes-esque movie with shit jokes, well, I really want to see that.

This episode, mostly the ending, reminded me very much of the arc in Moral Orel. Where by the 3rd season they abandoned the comic storyline and focused on the crumbling family and each character's internal struggle. You can also draw comparisons the use of 'Landslide', which South Park used, to Moral Orel's usage of various Mountain Goats songs. But where Moral Orel used the final 2 seasons to build, South Park just BLEW THAT SHIT UP right in front of our faces. Both metaphorically AND physically, and I love that. The divorce happened so abruptly that there was no time to pick sides. You just had take in every last bit of depression. For a show that basically admitted they've been coasting for a couple years using a same basic format- I feel rewarded that I get to think about these characters as real people.

Example- during another great episode this season (Season 15- shaping up to be one of the best ever)- "Crack Baby Atheltic League", Kyle and Cartman work together profiting off of crack babies. When Kyle is trying to show Stan his side of the story, Stan simply says "You sound like Cartman". I fully expected Kyle to stop right there and the episode would turn off into something else. But no. Kyle and Cartman continued working together. I viewed this as a betrayal of Kyle's character (but didn't care because that episode had one of the better non-sequitar endings in South Park history with Vaunter Slaush). Now- we see the continuing of that relationship with Kyle and Cartman exchanging knowing glances at each other during this episode. I see change, I see growth. The seeds were planted, and now they're sprouting.

I always was annoyed when people say "South Park isn't what it used to be" because those people, for the most part, don't watch the show regularly. I imagine for them, the pay-off of this episode, and hopefully the following episodes after their hiatus, won't be as free-ing.

"I know how much you like Legos, Stan."

Homer Pick

2011-06-08T23:33:00.008-04:00

Blah blah blahckground (That read as background by the way): I've been a die hard Pittsburgh Pirate fan for close to 18 years now. I say 18 years because I don't believe kids develop the concept of 'die hard' (or passion, or love... responsibilty, cleanliness,etc) until they are at least seven years old. 18 years ago started was the first of 18 straight losing seasons for the Pittsburgh Pirates. I'm from Pittsburgh + I like baseball= Of course I'm a Pittsburgh Pirate fan, sweet thang.

Present (no word play, couldn't think of anything): A good team reached .500. Good teams reach .500 records all the time. Any team with decent starting rotation complimented by a strong bullpen that has an MVP level player with good protection throughout the lineup should have a .500 record. That's what the Pittsburgh Pirates developed into. That is what the Pittsburgh Pirates are now. Am I happy? Yeah pretty much. Not surprised. Any one who's been paying attention to this team shouldn't be surprised. I'd say I'm happier about not being suprised than a .500 record in June.

Crystal 'Play' Ball (because crystal balls represent the future. You should really be able to figure these out): Who knows who knows who knows? That's a complete cop-out of an answer. But like I said I'm a Pittsburgh Pirate fan-- you pay attention to the team daily, you don't look ahead too much. We never had to look ahead before because there was nothing to look ahead to. Pay attention to everyday. It was enjoyable doing so for the last 18 years. It's a lot more enjoyable now. What I am saying is enjoy enjoying it more. Pressure will come eventually, but the great part about that is we won't recognize what that feels like for awhile. Why? Because it's baseball, and we're Pittsburgh Pirate fans.

Because it's baseball. And I'm a Pittsburgh Pirates fan.

Searching for a Deeper Meaning: The Hangover Part 2 vs The Tree Of Life

2011-06-07T08:01:00.001-04:00

I say "versus" because "and" doesn't feel entirely appropriate. The Hangover Part 2 was a cash-in, strike while the iron is hot formulaic comedy; while The Tree of Life's development was more tedious and gestated over the course of 6 years.

I saw The Hangover Part 2 out of obligation, and though the audience made the movie a somewhat enjoyable experience- the artistic nuances were overshadowed by cheap ploys. Art such as: Ken Jeong. He is a world-beater and we not only got to see his penis again- it was referred to as a mushroom cap. But his character 'died' and his revival later was marred by, and I'm serious when I say this, not using the N-word enough. The energy of Zach Galfianakis pops more in scenes where he's given less to do (running with ice cream, dead-pan driving a boat) which undercuts the actual writing of The Hangover Part 2. Still though: we all relate to feeling lost. Lost in a much larger unknown, having to depend on friends but having more so to depend on ourselves. To find it within ourselves, against the dreariest of backgrounds, to rise up in the face of our detractors and overcome.... it's all very trite. Paul Giamatti brings his A-game and once again shows he can be amazing in bad movies (Duplicity, Big Fat Liar, The Nanny Diaries, Fred Claus). So the deeper meaning here is that it was the polar opposite of The Tree of Life, a movie I am currently analyzing, re-analyzing, and over analyzing. Much of the exposition is cut, making the emotions laid out there to just simply relate to or cull from. Scenes of dinosaur mercy, a family struggling, young boys fighting in the woods- no dialogue just angst and projection. It was a thouroughly enjoyable movie for the fact that I still am currently enjoying it a week later. The Hangover Part 2- that was chewed up and digested before the movie ended. Funny movie, and when it went darker and non-referential at parts- Stu's ruminating on sleeping with a transexual, Alan seeing the world as children, Phil's non-chalant relationship with his child- I appreciated the movie more.

But a bad movie is open to criticism and prone to be picked apart. You can see the gears moving and see how they could be moving better in The Hangover Part 2. Notice how I only gave The Tree of Life about 2 sentences in this post- it is because good movies you just want to enjoy. You're not analyzing as much when you watch. Again- these two movies are polar opposites. If you have everything- you have nothing. If something is so good to someone, something must be so bad to someone. Something means something to someone, the opposite of that exists. One man's Tree of Life is another's Hangover Part 2. Both garner appreciation in their own concerns.

Also, both movies were initially to feature Mel Gibson and both didn't and now both are forever bounded in glory.

South Park Review: City Sushi

2011-06-03T09:02:00.005-04:00

This is entirely spoilers because that is how lazy people write.

A Butters' story usually revolves around a misunderstanding and then being taken advantage of. Here he is taken advantage of by a therapist who diagnoses Butters with multiple personalities, with the misunderstanding being "he is just a kid who pretend-plays". It is believable because, more so than any other character on South Park, Butters is overflowing with innocence and naivety.

That's half the episode though. No Cartman, Kyle, Stan, or Kenny in this episode. But a longer look at City Wok's Lu Kim. The schtick here is that Chinese people get confused with Japanese people. South Park makes this touchy subject funny by relentless commitment to the joke, over the top accents, and focusing more on the character we know, Lu Kim, rather than developing the new City Sushi owner.

This all pays off in an amalgam of a third act. Butters' therapist at this point is the real crazy person with multiple personality disorder, and one of those personalities is Lu Kim. All this time, throughout the history of Lu Kim (Mongolians, his wife Wing), he was a white guy. This also justifies the racist attitudes he had of his Japanese counterpart (who killed himself, because honestly- we don't need to see that character again, they needed to get rid of City Sushi, and The Kenny Rule: it's always funnier on South Park when someone dies).

For a Butters' episode, I was semi-disappointed if only in the fact the worst thing Butters was led to do was rob a bank. While I also appreciate the backstory on Lu Kim, this is very Armen Tamzarian-esque. There was something about stereotypes that they could've hit harder, though. Stereotypes is a thing not easily solved and South Park makes enough points already. So for them, bringing light to this issue (by exploiting it) is just piling on jokes. Which is why I watch.

When It Is Acceptable to Give the Nickname 'Lemon'

2011-06-02T09:02:00.002-04:00

-The person is blonde is wearing a yellow shirt, yellow capris, yellow crocs and uses a greeting other than 'hello' or 'hey'

-They have done an outlandish action not knowing that Liz Lemon of 30 Rock has done the same thing (bought a Wedding Dress on sale before they were engaged; mistaken a black tween for Oprah)

-The person, when tasted, is sour or causes a pucker

-When you met this person at a used car lot, they seemed great at first. After you are off the lot though, that person is just awful.

-The person asks for a slice of lemon for any of the following drinks: Sierra Mist, 7 up, Sprite, Mellow Yellow, Lemonade, a cup of meringue, breast milk/urine/ice made of tears

-The person is an apple or any other fruit besides a lemon, and you are trying to piss them off

-You've heard them mention CNN news anchor Don Lemon once in passing and you refuse to drop it or learn anything more about that person other than the fact they once mentioned Don Lemon in conversation

-They dress like Lemmy from Motorhead, but are too fat to pull off the look

-A person catching a no-hitter develops a callous on his catching hand over the course of the game. The first person to notice the callous or call attention to it, is thusly 'the Lemon'

-Anyone you know who still plays Lemonade Tycoon

Anthony Bourdain Poses

2011-05-24T08:01:00.001-04:00

"Yes Anthony, yes yes! Hold it there. That's a perfect balance of smiling/not smiling. You should really trademark that. Now just curl your fingers for me. Is your hand touching your face?... Well then rest your jaw slightly on the brim of your hand... slighter... little less slight than that... brimmer...BRIMMER.... good (TAKES PICTURE). Your eyes could be a little more piercing, but I think we got it.... Whats that? Your earring? I didn't even realize you had one. Yeah I can see it fine, but it honestly looks like a fish vagina.. tiny little shiny slit."

"Ok, Anthony.... Sorry.... Tony B- can you hold the chop sticks higher? Mmmkay. Angle it up- food in the air- there ya go. Down a smidge, down, down, doooown. UP! Right there. (TAKES PICTURE) Oh wow got some good light on those chop sticks Tony B... Whats that?.... No your chin isn't visible... Well I can take another picture.... Really? OK... You can't really make out what the food is, no... I agree, knowing what the food is distracts how piercing your eyes are... Oh- its visible but barely, just liked you asked."

"ANTHONY BOURDAIN!! Hey, HEY! (TAKES PICTURE)..... Sorry Mr. Boudain, I just wanted a picture for my website.... No I can't see your earring in it... Well alright then! Thank You!"

New Slang: Lots-O-Hugging

2011-05-18T07:32:00.004-04:00

Lots-O-Hugging: Verb: Rape. In reference to 2 films of actor Ned Beatty, as he was the voice of Lots-O-Hugging Bear in Toy Story 3 and cinema's, arguably, most famous rape victim, Bobby Trippe in Deliverance. The convenience of irony being that Beatty being raped in Deliverance and then voicing a cartoon character who is stuffed and has 'hugging' in his name.

"Carol isn't the same since she and her sister were Lots-O-Hugged"

"At least Carol is just a Lots-O-Hugging victim, and not a murder victim like her husband"

"I sometimes get the urge to Lots-O-Hug, but I control it"

Review: Eagles

2011-05-16T15:51:00.004-04:00

The eagle's popularity lies in its ability to be photographed and the ability of that photograph to be transferred into different mediums.

Wall Calendars, Chest and Arm Tattoos, Backgrounds of Credit Cards, Ironic T-Shirt, Un-Ironic Ed Hardy T-shirts, Lighters, Handlebars and Other Motorcycle Accesories, Political Cartoons, Surface Area, Bullet Box Containers, Coffins, Eagle Food, Toilet Seats, Saw Handles, etc.

They all use the eagle for it invokes a majestic aesthetic, flight/freedom, freedom/flight, free flights, killing things that are smaller than you and getting away with it (power), killing things that are different than you and getting away with it (absolute power), and killing things with your bare hands (patriotism).

I like to picture eagles taking the place of dogs in that famous poker painting. I also like to picture them wearing turbans while being hanged by the American government.

For me, the eagle is more than the symbol for America. It's a bird with its own distinct features, breeds, and DNA.

To show you how much Eagles mean to me, here is Carly singing at Eagle Fest '09:

What I Thought These Kids Thought Process was When Putting This Video on Youtube

2011-05-13T19:35:00.004-04:00

Imagine having a white board in your play room.

You can write anything on it

Friend comes over.

He 's so cool. owns a usc jersey.

He writes 'boogertown' on your white board.

You laugh so hard that you make a movie about boogertown and concentrate on a bank, because not only does it function as a place in the town where action can happen but it sounds funny with boogertown.

You lose interest while the kid whose idea it was in the first place is really into it.

However when you re-watch the video for the first time you laugh and laugh again because of the combination of group laughter at the novelty of seeing yourself AND you didn't pay attention during the actual filming and now find yourself sincerely laughing at the things you and your friends said. This is great momentum for you to not view it again until it is already up on Youtube. At this point you're probably still impressed by the novelty of now being on Youtube because you're a kid and kids have only so many years of education and self-reflection.

You search for yourself in Youtube, and find that searching for boogertown, your hilarious inspirational word, is buried beneath in the search results by someone else....

Well to you, sweet children, I saw your video. I, too, know that the word Boogertown deserves more than a country jamboree string band. It deserves the inane, somewhat lazy production you provide. Brava, plutoeyes1, bra-vvvvvvvaa.

Fake Surfing

2011-05-09T22:07:00.003-04:00

A human impulse that exists: while balancing on something that we know we have a strong footing on, we all have the urge to fake surf.

Be it on ROCK:

(Also here, because smart people disallow embedding)

Be it on Ocean:

Be it Rug Ocean:

Be it by request on a friend because you have a pseudo-show on Youtube:

Be it because you are hilarious:

Be it because you are wasting my time by pretty much mis-title-ing your Youtube video:

Or because you are the best example of all these combined including not being imbeddable...

You are gonna think you know how to surf.

You can see people pull their knowledge from surfing from simply knowing a beach boy's song.

Real fake surfers? We pull our fake knowledge from remembering The Donnas did the theme song to MTV's Surf Girls.

Whose God Killed Osama Bin Laden?

2011-05-03T09:03:00.000-04:00

Many people have thanked their god for the American raid and subsequent killing of Osama bin Laden. Those many people have different religious beliefs and are, therefore, thanking multiple gods. So which god killed Osama? Let's take a look:

-Southern Baptist? Likely. America really wanted Osama to die regardless of any thinking or reasoning. No thinking or reasoning are traits of Southern Baptists.

-Catholic? Probably not. So far no guilt has been associated with Osama's death.

-Non-denominational Christian? Their god will never tell if he did. He'll accept the credit though.

-Jewish? If we start making money off of the death, then yeah.

-7th Day Adventist? If it was their god, no one would care and this whole death thing would be for not. So hopefully it was their god.

-Muslim? Wanted a new image perhaps?

-Transformers? The high cost of the raid and killing speaks to the Transformer god.

-Neptune, god of the sea? The sea is mysterious, no one knows its intentions. I wouldn't be surprised.

In conclusion, there probably was no god involved. It was a Sunday and gods usually catch up on their emails that day.

Wrong vs Right: The Road to Victory

2011-04-28T08:52:00.003-04:00

When is wrong right and how is that right right? Right?

-I am posting this video because this innocent teenage girl has a dream to be an actress but doesn't have the necessary talent or knowledge of how auditions work to ever, ever achieve that goal.

-Me posting this video proves that I go on Youtube to dig up human's failing.

-They did post this video on Youtube. They did choose Disney Channel Stars to emulate. They did do 3 auditions in under a minute and thought it good enough to post to the public so assholes like me can use it in a semi meta, jaded blog post.

-Getting a large Blizzard at Dairy Queen has the most value, but I can never finish it.

-Idiots on the internet exist in bunches. For matters: this post can be interpreted as idiotic and can be broken down into its working parts and criticized.

-This post is killing dreams. Who am I to say 'EntrancingEmily' will never make it? Maybe this is a voice over reel for a cartoon re-enactment of a parody where the message is of the deteriorating responsibilities of role models is a major concern for today's parents? In that case she nailed it and I am the fool.

-This was posted Aug. 15, 2009--- I'm sure she's into something new by now so nothing I say matters

My Fan Letter from Age 7 to Tom from Tom and Jerry

2011-04-22T12:07:00.004-04:00

Dear Tom,

What do you eat? I am beginning to think you have never eaten. Sometimes I see you actually put Jerry (or a bird friend) in your mouth and you don't chew? I don't think you really want to eat Jerry, and this cartoon thing is a load of bullshit. I mean if a mouse inflicted as much pain on me as Jerry has done to you, and I had teeth and claws and reflexes and nine lives and other cat things like you- I MEAN HE WAS IN YOUR MOUTH! I saw it just now.

I am writing to you because I think you can win this thing. Sure Jerry has some charisma, but I believe that this will ultimately be his undoing. There are many instances where you've been able to kill Jerry- like when you presented him as a ring to a girl cat, or you used him as a golf ball. Both these times he was helpless, and you've got a distinct size advantage.

End this charade, Tom. Jerry doesn't pose much of a threat. It's you. Take your time, stay positive, and remember- his heart is about 1 centimeter big and wouldn't be that hard to rupture.

your fan in christian love,

Caleb

PS where is your penis?

Behind the Wall of Diapers

2011-04-21T08:48:00.000-04:00

Behind the wall of Diapers exists a happier me.

Behind the wall of Diapers no one can see me nourish dead legs into specialty canes. The salts eating tissue to the bone. The hunger of my stomach chiseling the muscle. The baby on the diaper package beckoning me on with a plastic fire in his mulatto eyes. You can't judge me, you're the only one keeping me safe. I am afraid of you. I am apart of you. Life is a bicycle on a graham cracker road. Boogers=Milk. Behind the wall of Diapers.

Behind the Wall of Diapers a song has sung its song when singing has sang its sanction. The diatribe of pitter patter. The pitter patter of little teeth. The secret of stacking raisins is to pull back the skin. The secret to pulling back skin is to feel nothing. Scabs are the looking glass behind the Wall of Diapers. Forced excretion is the floor wax behind the Wall of Diapers.

Behind the Wall of Diapers, I do not know my name. I do not share a commonality with the most coopertively breeds of dog. I do not like my ice shake or stirred or even served to me. I am an oven I am creator I am channeling. Behind the Wall of Diapers.

Space Sitcoms

2011-04-20T08:21:00.000-04:00

The Fresh Prince of No Air

Step Binary Step

8 Complicated Rules

Acc-orbiting to Jim

Fraxyzier

Father Novas Best

How I Met Universe Mother

Wel-comet Back Space Kotter

Hangin' with Satellite Cooper

I Asteroid Lucy

Clarissa Eclipses It All

Be-parsec-ker

Saved by the Occultation

'Lopes

2011-04-19T09:03:00.002-04:00

Antelopes

Cantaloupes

Can't Elopes

Ex Phillie Davey Lopes

Left Eye Lopes

Mountain sLopes

Patron Saint of The Way Rhubarb Is Spelt

2011-04-18T08:05:00.004-04:00

Rhobert Rhobinson (born 1488, martyred 1520) is one of the most averaged sized saints. In fact, if you add all the saints heights together then divide by that number- you'd get exactly Rhobinson's height. More impressive is the way Rhobert stole the discovery of rhubard from a small village in Greece after sleeping with the town leader's wife and then leaving a pillow under the covers to act as his body while he made his getaway. Indeed, Rhobert tried to force his R folled by silent h among many a word, but word like Rhoot and Rhinse already existed. Rhurbarb did stick though, and Rhobinson became a folk hero to those who listened to him tell them that he was indeed a folk hero. His death came whence he was crucified underwater by upstart Roman radicals trying to make a name for themselves. Rhobinson was trying to implement the still far out notion of the double 'rh' in words like barhrhel.

Ugly Children

2011-04-17T18:59:00.003-04:00

The criteria a child must reach to be considered ugly:

- Older than 5

- While playing sports, he or she ain't got no alibi

Refreshed

2011-04-15T08:05:00.000-04:00

Ahhhh... bella. Molto Bella. Lei Molto Bella. Donde esta es un parakeet? Parakeet si ninja. Volvo esta mi vuelva. No tonces. Espargo june capitan Sizemore. Langosta jueve vino salamat po.

That was too refreshd, I apologize. That was beyond languages it was so refreshed. That was like mixing sprite with sierra mist and waterfall water from an ancient hidden waterfall refreshed. That was so refreshed that re- may not even apply to it because it was so fresh the first time. Let's just say that this second freshening trumps most other original freshes. Like- how was Will Smith the fresh prince? I get that its slang, but why apply fresh to princedom? Is it that he was redefining what it means to be a prince because his uncle was so rich and he was so from Philly? I remember Celebrity Death Match referee Mills Lane saying that was his favorite show about 10 years after it was still on air. If it's not on air, than it's by definition not fresh. So in reruns, the fresh prince of bel-air is refreshed. That makes sense to me.

In conclusion. You can be too refreshed. If that happens you should just think about something very grounded. Like Will Smith's easy-on-the-eyes blackness. Let's all thank Will Smith for teaching his kids to remake 80s movies and to have songs that involve dance moves and to generally be pretty shitty.

Resting

2011-04-14T08:05:00.000-04:00

Your 2010-2011 Toronto Raptors

2011-04-13T07:48:00.006-04:00

Winning for all its sheen and Sheen is still only a part of basketball. Granted its a huge part that people look at/remember/judge you by--- but winning is simply an aspect of the game.

Fun is also an aspect of the game. Fun is the most fun part of the game. A lot of us won't remember this season's sub .500 lottery teams, but that's where a lot of the fun of the NBA existed.

Case in point- The Toronto Raptors.

Former #1 overall pick having a legit scoring season, sophmore highlight dunker developing an overall game, a top 5 assist-to-turnover ratio, rookie earning playing time through defense and rebounding, seeing that Jerryd Bayless potential I've been hearing so much about, Leandro Barbosa's shot selection, Sonny Weems' name being spoken, learning nothing about Alexis Ajinca, Amir Johnson and James Johnson not capitalizing on opportunities.... intrigue, drama, forgetting what Jay Triano looks like, forgetting that Jay Triano coaches the Raptors, remembering how good a coach Sam Mitchell was, remembering how good Sam Mitchell was in NBA Live '97, Hey Linas Kleiza can light it up, Hey Linas Kleiza did light it up:

I loved these Toronto Raptors not out of spite or jest or some ironic sadomasochism. I love them because I liked to watch them play offense, and people play offense against them. I just love watching basketball. The Toronto Raptors were watchable this year. That's positive. That's something. The Toronto Raptors, beyond a shadow of a doubt, something.

Micky Dolenz's Breath

2011-04-12T08:09:00.000-04:00

What I imagine Micky Dolenz's breath to smell like:

The paper wrapped around crayons after those crayons were used by a stadium full of 2nd graders in a mass coloring speed contest on an August midday with the water turned off due to the previous night's animal monster truck rally and demolition derby where a bunch of jungle animals drove cars into each other. The pipes were clogged because mostly the animals are subdued to extreme laziness and the animal trainers kept flushing the mixed shit of obese gorillas, sickly giraffes, and sleep deprived tasmanian devils. 1 of the pipes burst spewing scalding hot water onto the chinese/black custodian who constaly eats pickled ginger, burning his flesh and pickled ginger.

All of this with a faint, but noticeable (presumably from guilt) odor of bananas. Hey, hey He's a Monkee!

Panda Bear - Tom Boy

2011-04-11T08:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Reader Who Has Gotten Here Looking For A Free Download Of Tomboy by Panda Bear,

I wish I knew your name. I do respect you. As you can see I capitalized all the first letters in the title which I addressed you. I just want to come out and say it: there is no download here.

You likely got here through googling a combination of the following words: Panda Bear Tomboy Blogspot. Maybe you added in the words of your preferred download site such as mediafire, zshare, filesonic, fileserve, filestube, megaupload, hotfile, rapidshare, depositfiles, uploading, furk, goldfile, enterupload, badongo, oron, turbobit, letitbit, extrabit, gigasize or duckload. Hell, those chance are now increased since I added those names in this post. It's all searchable. Can I ask- did you prefer zip or rar files? You don't have to answer that, you can play bejeweled to get a free iPad. You might be naked. Pictures of Emma Watson are on the internet too. Oh goodness- now I mentioned PLAY BEJEWELED FREE IPAD NAKED PICTURES OF EMMA WATSON. Sorry, I really didn't mean to trick you. I am so filled with GLEE that I just wanted to OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE on my BEST 20 MINUTE GOURMET MEALS FOR UNDER 20 DOLLARS.

Sincerely CHARLIE SHEEN,

REBECCA BLACK FRIDAY REMIX LOL

How to Pretend You're in Stone Temple Pilots

2011-04-08T08:05:00.003-04:00

1. Write STP in permanent marker on something/anything you own.

2. When someone notices and asks what it stands for, reply "What does what stand for? Oh yeah, that? Well, I was in Stone Temple Pilots"

3. Say you wrote any other Stone Temple Pilots song other than the one that goes "And I Feel It"

Bros Love The Crucible

2011-04-07T15:00:00.000-04:00

Origin Story

2011-04-06T21:01:00.002-04:00

Man has 2 hoses for home use. He labels the green garden 30 foot hose 'A', while the hose he got as a house warming present from his father's girlfriend's brother 'B'.

A: "Listen, I know it's been tough between us, what with me being used way more than you. But you knew the time would come when one of us would be curled around in a loop on an outdoor rack. It's been great spending time with you on the floor of the shed, and I hope we can remain friends?"

B: "No way, Hose A."

I'm in this band: Florence and The Machine

2011-04-01T18:10:00.007-04:00

And I'm not Florence.

If you google 'florence and the machine anyone but florence' you still get this:

Similar results for-
florence and the machine the machine

florence and the machine musicians behind

Florence and the Machine background

florence and the machine without florence

florence and the machine pictures of the god damn band

Broke Bank Mountain

2011-03-31T08:51:00.006-04:00

He never knows.

I broke the bank today.

I tipped a waitress out of pity.

I broke a bank today.

I pulled the pen chain off the pen chain mount.

I broke my bank today.

The piggy kind. Hammer-style. TV Cliche-Style.

I broke up banks today.

They were fighting all the time. He's too good for her anyway. Better financing, shorter lines, etc. He's going to get that 2nd ATM machine he's always been talking about.

I broke-through banks today.

They were dealing with some deep emotional shit. The robber in the re-occuring heist nightmare- it was their own face they saw.

I broke Hillary Banks today.

It's easy enough since her fiance Trevor died. You should try it.

I broke and bank today.

I also sleep. I eat. I brush teeth. I envy icicles.

I broke down bank today.

The B is for baby. A, accountants. N, never. K, know.

Better Names for: Reba McEntire

2011-03-30T09:06:00.002-04:00

- Freeba Ameritire, Deepa McChopra, Creepa McPrespire, Tuba McFluta, Treba Track'n'Tire, Garla McFreebird, Holly Jones, Su Chin Pak, Huntress Buford, Jo'mamma Whitesnake, Reba Seinfeld, Reba Jamal-Warner, Reba KFC, Reba McTallica, Reba McRighttobeararms, Sartre McDoodlebus, Christian Fellowship, Banksy Jr, Honda, Ford, Oldsmobile, Lawn, Work, Plain, Plane, Sky, No, Of Course, Boobs, Crap, Boob Crap, Lydia Conway

If You Go to: DumbReviews.com

2011-03-29T10:22:00.004-04:00

With my sub-par Spanish, I can translate this through pictures:

-"Now You Can Buy a Zero Kilometer for an Absurd Small"

-Menor Postor= Smaller Postor

-"Simply by using your phone- you can purchase a smaller phone that you can pay with using installment plans that fluctuate randomly. This insures that you really did fall for whatever the fuck we're selling (eco-phones? cars for homeless people to live in?). Lord Joseph Mary Mother of Heaven Bless our endeavor, as we have endeavied those who bless us. Amen. Amirite.

DumbReviews.com--- big enough to get our domain stolen by poor people.

As Slang: Bladder

2011-03-28T08:50:00.003-04:00

Black Ladder.

Blackadder.

Sequel to Blaxploitation Bad Santa.

Great Things That've Happened: WiZ!

2011-03-25T08:05:00.001-04:00

Full Song (DIRTY/NSFW/REPETITIVE):

Faggot

2011-03-24T08:59:00.002-04:00

I think the word faggot should be used for the people who are offended by the word faggot. Then when they embrace that word and use it as a rallying cry/term of endearment- they should be legally called that for 6 years.

Anyone who is offended by words really. Anyone who is offended really. Anyone really. Any. A.

How to take a picture inside a Kangaroo Pouch

2011-03-23T09:12:00.002-04:00

1) Dress your camera as a baby kangaroo.

2) Leave it at the zoo, australian outback, or outback steakhouse

3) Hope.

Nothing About: Laurent Fabious

2011-03-22T08:05:00.001-04:00

After being ostracized for being an ostrich, Laurent Fabious wrote the play 'Ostrichized' which won many Multiple Awards (the awards given to winning awards) and played exclusively on Mediterranean Cruise ships (Dubrovnik to Korkula islands route). The play was about an ostrich with no neck finding his faith thru the power of savings.

After he killed his way through the PrimoGynetic Wars of the late 70s Yugoslavian Avant Science, Laurent invented the mime act of using hair gel. Mimes today use the act to show that: they are getting ready, their hair is a miss, and to mime spike their hair. He was inducted into the Mime Hall of Fame on September 11, 2000 in the East Wing of the Homemade Costume Division Building.

Countless flowers have been named after Laurent Fabious, including the Balding Fabious, the Teenaged Fabious, the untame my Fabious, and the orthax coup (named from Fabious' controversial birth breathing technique which is banned anywhere oxygen is present).

Laurent Fabious, a true pioneer*.

*I have simply heard the name Laurent Fabious and assumed all these things because I wanted to. To do your own research I can just simply link to his wikipedia page.

Joking About Japan

2011-03-21T08:05:00.006-04:00

"If the whole world is supposed to end in 2012, Japan is always looking ahead anyway."

There is no overstating how tragic the events in Japan over the last 2 weeks have been. It is an obvious fact that should not be dismissed by stubborn attitudes or self-imposed ignorance.

What some people need to realize however is that humans think completely differently. Which is to say that thinking about Japan and being yourself (for certain people) leads to offensive jokes. For an example of this I turn to one of the great purveyors of 'too soon' Gilbert Gottfried:

"“I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I said ‘is there a school in this area.’ She said ‘not now, but just wait.’”

Of course that is in bad taste. Of course. Gilbert obviously knows that. And it should be obvious that is why he did that. Saying something offensive doesn't mean (necessarily) that you're insensitive. It means that is simply a way of how you deal with a tragedy.

Gilbert is a stand-up comedian who has accomplished a great deal by sticking to his own persona. If he censors himself in anyway, he is doing a creative disservice to himself and to his fans. If you're offended, well you are supposed to be offended. Being offended is where the majority of the humor comes in.

Tragedy is news. News is life. Life is too serious. Sorry to anyone offended. Sorry for maybe even making a point 'too soon'. Time heals all wounds. And tragedy + time = comedy. There is really no difference in those sayings. Time is merely subjective.

Just expect something.

2011-03-20T16:44:00.004-04:00

There has been so much going on (learning Advanced Statistics over General Statistics for Social Media marketing, Marcus Thornton getting minutes for the Kings, forming my opinion on cult Canadian program 'Trailer Park Boys', consistent fingernail maintenance, and an increased social consciousness) that this blog has been neglected.

1. You're welcome. 2. Hey wait a minute, you shouldn't be welcomed. 3. I really meant 'your welcome?' Like your welcome to me is with open arms? 4. That doesn't make sense. 5. Yeah well.

This is a blog where I simply review things, and that mostly meant TV shows and movies and having pictures expire a week after I post them.

Just expect something.

2Good4Utube: Jane Curtin in OC and Stiggs

2011-02-08T08:59:00.004-05:00

Robert Altman directed a campy teen comedy, which basically means- a bad movie on the surface is a pretty good satire beneath that surface.

But the best part about this movie is Jane Curtin, who drinks the entire time. There exists no Youtube videos.

Please take my word for it.

TV Moustache Week: Ned Flanders

2011-02-04T08:49:00.003-05:00

As we draw to an end of TV mustache week, we must mention possibly the greatest mustached man on TV for the last 20 years- Ned Flanders. We recapped some pretty cartoony characters, so it feeds the irony beast that perhaps the most serious of these recaps is about a cartoon character. Or not, you really shouldn't read that much into these posts.

We know who Ned is: strong christian morals, overtly friendly, a push-over, a widower, a surprising physique, a lefty, raised by beatniks, constantly upbeat, 60 years-old, a genuinely nice guy whose self is governed by his beliefs and is disciplined enough to follow through on them, and all his life he wanted purple drapes.

We know him- so let's talk about his mustache, and really the path he carved out for other mustaches to follow.

Ned is, simply put, a nerd. It is within that nerdy annoyance we have in him, that we see a part of ourselves in. Never betraying that bond with the audience, and taking it to ridiculous heights and emotional places--- why that's just strong TV. Ned is a character full of quirks. His mustache just happens to be a visible quirk (and he refers to it, such as: his "Nose Neighbour," "Mr. Tickles," "The Ole Soup Strainer," "The Cookie Duster," "The Pushbroom," and "Dr. Fuzzenstein.") It's not outlandish that Ned has a mustache. It's just fact that he does.

The season 16 episode, "Home Away From Homer", Ned moves Humbleton, PA, where everything is more dopey sweet than he is. In Humbleton, Ned is asked to shave his mustache, which he refuses. Truly a great moment for mustaches on television. For all his christian morals, pent up anger at his parents, and responsibilities in raising 2 sons- Ned never gives anything less than himself. Ned Flanders, one of the dorkiest people ever shown on TV, showed television, nay the world, on how to not look so dorky while wearing a mustache.

Great mustache TV characters are not the star of their show. They are the perspective, after all who wouldn't want to see the world through the eyes of a man with a strip of hormonal hair on their face. Mustaches themselves are a kooky attribute, and the men who carry them don't make themselves more kooky by having a mustache. They make the mustache more serious by being themselves.

Oh, and if you ever get gum in your mustache- just freeze it and hit it with a hammer.

TV Mustache Week: Ron Mother Fuckin' Swanson

2011-02-03T08:50:00.003-05:00

There's not much to say here. There is just reverence in the glory and the majesty of a man glorified by self-discipline, masonry, and a pyramid of other great things.

It's TV mustache week, and I'd be remiss to talk about the (if not the most) prolific mustache of recent tv. The Swanson mustache is intimidating, thorough, and necessary. It is both a stop sign and a proceed with caution sign. It encapsulates the confidence, grit, and essence of Ron Swanson.

Mustaches are inherently creepy/ dad-ish/ something-to-judge-someone-by. DUH: having a mustache is saying you have a mustache. Ron is a reasonable man. Nothing says reasonable like growing hair on your face with pride. Other characters we discussed this week (Officer Jay, Mike Watt) have mustaches as more affectation, where it highlights their serener side. Not saying Ron can't show emotion (not counting anger, Ron's relationship with Leslie is that of her earning his trust and him responding well to her work ethic and attitude). Ron Swanson is more brute, and his mustache is less affectation and more 'calling card'. It's a mustache that let's you know what you're in for. Be wary of the man who has grown this. Ron is the apex of the goofy cartoon character with a mustache (My Name is Earl) and the too serious to be nothing more than a mustache (Magnum PI). A fully realized character that every word he speaks and step he walks only adds to his legend.

Not only is Ron pioneering new grounds for TV character's to have mustaches, he is also stating those rules (via Pyramid):

"Facial Hair: full, thick, and square. Nothing sculpted. If you have to sculpt it, that probably means you can't grow it.

TV Mustache Week: The Sarah Silverman Program's Officer Jay McPherson

2011-02-02T08:39:00.002-05:00

The Sarah Silverman revolves accordingly around Sarah Silverman, giving her all the wacky and leaving the basis of reality to her co-stars.... none more than her sister Laura and Laura's boyfriend Officer Jay McPherson. Jay acts the part as foil to the boisterously crass and unapologetically juvenile Sarah. Jay and Sarah's relationship is like that of another mustachioed TV icon, Ned Flanders to neighbor Homer Simpson.

Jay's 'aww shucks' vibe is a perfect contrast to Sarah. Sometimes indulging her (laughing at a joke at her 9/11 tribute) and mostly listening to Laura, Jay is responsible and is reasonably angry- which makes Sarah's shenanigans that much more devious and off-putting.

He's an aficionado of 'gentle-comedy' and a classic small town cop. He's the type of guy to say things like hootenanny and "Listen, I don't know who put a nickel in you, but it's time to make change! " and really mean them. This leads me to believe that his mustache is genuine, that without that mustache- he would lose some of his happy demeanor.

His mustache makes him 'Officer Jay' the friendly officer who speaks at schools, helps people, and puts up with a person who constantly insults him and kills his turtle. He would still be those things without the mustache, but it'd be creepier, like a more rogue cop who is friendly. Jay's mustache represents comfortability and control, two strong factors Jay himself brings to the show.

Also- Jay Johnston is legend. Mr. Show, Moral Orel, and this turn here on The Sarah SIlverman Program.

TV Mustache Week: Spaced's Mike Watt

2011-02-01T08:09:00.004-05:00

Great mustaches on TV are mustaches that don't undermine the character, but are subtle portrayals of confidence of a character. They don't distract, they enhance.

Mike Watt is a very big leap of a character. He's always seen in military fatigues, and always on military time. Mike's a military character, so even in that realm the mustache makes sense. The mustache is part of his uniform of himself. But Mike's uniform is merely the hard outer casing, as we see Mike as a sensitive, Tim-loving failure who revels in his obsession.

Mike is cartoony enough to have stolen a tank and taken it to Euro Disney and to hold hands with his best friend Tim, but also serious enough to rise to the rank of Sergeant in the Territorial Army, and when Tim and roommate Sophie's relationship grows together- Mike feels hurt.

Mike Watt's mustache represents a facade, while that facade encapsulates who Mike is. Spaced is a show about somewhat contemptible slacker types, Tim and Sophie, dealing with their life and their relationship. The characters around them (a struggling painter, a fashionista working as a dry cleaner, a lonely landlord, and a military nutjob) are shown as lovable and/or sources of humor. It's not that we relate to Mike, it's that we care about Mike and accept him as that guy who always has gun's on him. And of course, that guy has a mustache. With Spaced, and it's commitment to fast-storytelling, pop culture, and non-sequitars--- we have the perfect vehicle to get to know and understand that mustache.

Embedding disabled, but see Mike's take on the male psyche and how men relate to each other.

TV Moustache Week: Trivial Mustaches

2011-01-31T08:05:00.002-05:00

Mustaches do not make a man. Instead, the mustache should serve as a representation of confidence and character. A man isn't defined by his mustache, as was the case with a certain Thomas Sullivan Magnum (Magnum P.I.), where his mustache has come to define a genre and time period. The failure of Magnum P.I. was not letting us get to know the character enough as to understand why he decided he looked good with a mustache.

In the case of Simon and Simon, at least the mustache served the purpose of discerning the 2 Simon's. AJ was the smart one who went to college, and Rick had a mustache. But there, the mustache more defined who Rick was- and really that's why you don't know this show.

This brings us to the top-of-the-line useless mustache- Earl Hickey. The mustache itself was great, thick and a good percentage of the face. But Earl was more a maypole of the show where a bunch of more colorful characters danced around. His mustache was a mere decoration on a character who routinely didn't live up to his mustache's hype. We are to believe Earl grew his mustache out out of some type of kitsch value- not because of any strength of character, but because it'd be Jason Lee without it. The better mustache on the show was that of Darnell aka The Crabman, whose mustache was enhanced by his relaxed attitude and specific rules the writer's laid out for him.

That leads us to what makes a good mustache. A mustache works best when it simply takes a backseat to the heightened reality a character creates for himself. Simplified: the mustache doesn't define the character. Simplifiedier: The mustaches makes sense. There is no second guessing having hair between that person's lip and nose.

Meathead had a good mustache. He was a young idealist who went walrus on his facial hair to show his quirky sensibility. Were Magnum P.I. emblazoned a generation of TV watchers with his, Meathead reflected the sensibility with his. The writing for his character gets a lot of the credit here, as Michael Stivic was an agnostic, scholar, good husband, and foil to the cranky Archie Bunker. He is much more than a mustache, however all the traits that make his mustache good (young idealist, shaping, being berated)- hold it back from being a great mustache.

This week at Dumb Reviews, we will look at truly great mustaches. To help answer the question of what is a GREAT mustache, let's look at a case close to being great: Al Boreland.

The obvious: it is not a mustache. It is a beard, which totally disqualifies the man from disscussion. Further more, the beard is another metaphor for the broader strokes that came to really define the character. Even so- this was a really defined character, who never broke from the person the writers laid out for him to be. Overtly nice guy, who out shined the grunting man vestige of Tim Allen's Tim Taylor, personally displayed sensitivity, had a catch phrase, and generally felt had many more weird character quirks that (if not greater than) were equal to his beard.

Which brings us to a golden rule of greatness: Mustaches and the man act as one.

For further TV mustache triviality

Alex Trebek - champion of the mustache of the intelligent man for so long, but disappointingly ruined his own legacy by shaving it off. Never have trivia and facial hair ever been in more harmony.

Aldo Goldolfus - the show 'Number 96' was not only ahead of it's time with gay characters on TV, but totally in tune with the tradition of having a foreign character having a thick mustache to distinguish he is foreign.

Everyone on Deadwood - Really great depiction of a time when men grew mustaches to establish their greatness. Too many to declare one truly great, as these mustaches were a product of their time as well. Still- just remarkable mustaches.

Gomez Addams - If there were a prize for artistic mustache, or avant-stache-garde, here's were we would see it. Gomez is a fully realized character with a bounty of quirks and mental intricacies that it makes me wonder- why does he have a mustache? It works though. He's the Captain Beefheart, the Seventh Seal, the Van Gogh of television mustache.

Judge Joe Brown - a power mustache. I think his TV show would be nothing without his mustache distinction. Therefore I imagine a Judge Joe Brown mustache team that preps it and rubs it with aloe vera before each taping.

Thanks for the Detail: 30 Rock

2011-01-28T08:55:00.004-05:00

It's easy to get bored. Yawn. What's my point already? OK.

30 Rock is a show that can deftly mock reality television by pointing out nuances that have yet to be parodied, while simultaneously defend them within the context of their own reality serving as a parallel to our own reality. They can also set up a plot with their sad sack character by revealing he is wearing a thong.

The amount of timing and structure in the detail of this show is uncanny. Let's take, for example, the C-plot of last night's episode "Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightening" which was the aforementioned Lutz storyline. With the thought of disaster on the minds of the TGS staff, they quickly make their emergency plans which culminates into Lutz having to choose only 3 of the staff because that's all his car can hold.

But before we find out Lutz has no car, and even before we find out Lutz is doing this because he just wants to feel wanted, we have to establish that this thought of disaster is taken seriously. They throw some pretty wild disasters at us (tidal waves taking over New York, tornado of guns, the 2nd biblical flood), but all these are taken seriously. We can tell why, by a subtle action of Pete acknowledging they need to write this down, and then just simply following through with writing it down:

It's not really a joke, but it's kind of funny in the long run (kind of). But the point being is that they didn't have to do that at all, but it effectly but the reality of the situation in the forefront. When reality is grounded , then sure- have Pete reference his Olympic past and Sue say she is willing to fuck cannibals. You've earned it now.

So thank you, innoocuous action of Cerie writing on the white board.

The Legacy of Oscar Snubs for Animals

2011-01-25T18:55:00.004-05:00

Another year of Oscar nominations, another victory for humans everywhere. Did you know such great movie stars as Flipper the dolphin, Salty the Sea Lion, and The Gorilla Mist gang have never once been even considered even viable contenders for Oscars?

Well in 2010, the game is even trickier for animal actors, what with all the meaty roles being handled by computers and voice-over acting (Legend of the Guardian: Owls of Owltown) or played by humans portraying humans in movies that don't need animals (Animal Kingdom).

Still we got some fine performances that the academy has looked over... looked over is putting it too gently... that the academy doesn't care to acknowledge:

-The dog in Greenberg, whose doghouse needs served as a subtle yet powerful antagonist against Ben Stiller.

-The black swan in Black Swan- you were there for Natalie's Portmania to turn into you, but you weren't really there. I get it? I get you! Way to out shine Barbera Hershey and Jackie from the 70s.

-Little Blackie in True Grit - death scenes usually get the Academy's attention. As do scenes of great physicality, like running and running in water. You literally carried the actors in True Grit. Also the snake deserves some honorable mention.

-Rabbit Meat and squirrels- Winter's Bone- that family wouldn't have looked so poor and desperate without you.

-There was probably a lion or something in Clash of the Titans- good on you, probably.

-Sonny the dog- Due Date- the only believable character in this movie? No? Ok.

-The Vampire Bat in Twilight Eclipse-- didn't see, but if a vampire movie doesn't have a vampire bat, then what is the fucking point (other than for hormones)

Also, Piranhas from Piranha 3D-- that movie needed more Christopher Llyod. Samething with Furry Vengeance, Cats and Dogs The Revenge of Pussy Galore, Secretariet, and Wall Street 2- could've used more Christopher Lloyd. I also wish they would've had a real life bear play Yogi, that would've at least gotten a Golden Globe nom.

2011-01-23T17:44:00.002-05:00

They don't things like this anymore. They don't let goofiness stand on its own legs. This was 1977, where Bill Murray was the new guy on SNL and still did things with his brother- Brian Doyle. Where Paul Schaeffer establishes his ever shrinking credibility, where Christopher Guest shows his young renegade genius, and where the Belz' legend bore its darkly shaded undertone.

It's pretty straight forward comedy taking a liberty with their audience. There's simulated sex, rape skits, and swearing for the sake of swearing. It's a contract you agree to with the performers, which is stated clearly in the title. What makes this album so special is the high level they come at you. Sure, its blue humor- but presented in such manners as a Mr. Rogers-pedophile-parody- the album reminds us of how smart people are willing to try unpopular and crude things back in their youth.

Way to Read a Line: Phyllis Lapin

2011-01-21T09:13:00.005-05:00

from last night's The Office, episode "Ultimatum":

"I Know Sue, she's not that great. Her husband's in a wheelchair, you know?"

That one line says so much about Phyllis Lapin-Vance. The Sue she is referring to is the office manager at Vance refrigeration. Pam thinks Sue is great because Sue has a fun employee activity board full of colors and mingling, which Pam is trying to emulate with her New Year's Resolution board. Phyllis knows better. Being the wife of the great Bob Vance, she knows his employees. She knows that Sue is basically a failed elementary school teacher who balled up all that resentment into an art project that is a 2 x 2 foot square of cork board on a wall.

Phyllis still remains vulnerable and gossipy (as later evidenced by her intervening with Holly). In this case, she let's us know that Sue has all this time freed up for her employee square because her husband is in a wheelchair. Now, Phyllis is not insinuating that Sue's life is less meaningful. She's just saying that she has extra emotions she has to deal with, and that maybe certain emotions make her put on that brave, chipper office managerial face.

Phyllis speaks her mind and doesn't hold back. When wondering what people like about her, Phyllis stated that it was ''probably my jugs''. The quote about Sue is a testament to the writers. It's one line, but we get backstory and some character depth out of Phyllis, a reveal on who Sue is, a counter point to Pam's go-get 'em attitude, and most importantly- a fleshed out world in which these characters live.

Review: The Hole Story

2011-01-20T08:45:00.002-05:00

2005 must've been a great year for breaking the mold in the arthouse underground hipster vogue semi-circle that dominated coffee shop talk. Me? I wouldn't know. I was just starting to hate Scrubs at that point.

I came along "The Hole Story" on the strength of filmmaker Alex Karpovsky, whose performance in 'Tiny Furniture' I found nuanced and domineering. Or nuanced and domineering. Whichever sounds better coming first. So I scoped him out, and came across this mockumentary about a mysterious ice hole.

Well, the mock part of the mockumentary portion was sort of ruined by me knowing that this was all an act, but it did me allow to concentrate on the film making and plot of a pretty slow moving movie. Slow as in mumblecore.

Now I like mumblecore movies a lot, and 'The Hole Story' lies on the outer fringe of that genre, which I think even 5 years later (present day) that genre is still on the outer fringe of popular culture (at least we got Greta Gerwig in an Ivan Reitman film starring Ashton Kutcher!). So in 2005, this movie was pretty far ahead of the game.

I say this is a mumblecore movie, because the lead character (and really the only character we follow) in the film is a filmmaker, dry wit, going through relationship problems, but ultimately dealing with himself- all within the same tropes/style of mumblecore. I am tired of typing mumblecore. But the movie stands out in that we just concentrate on 1 character, and watch that character break down, build up, shake all around. Karpovsky's real performance against a drab, rednecky backdrop take this film to the heights of me wanting to review it 6 years after the filming.

Though I knew this was a mockumentary, I still found myself wandering about what was real. Did they convince a mental institution that Alex needed help? Does a town really have that small of a Paul Bunyan Statue? The scene where we see Karpovsky, shaggy haircut in full effect, talking to a local cable hunting/fishing show host and asking him about how the personal/professional relationship works with his wife (who gives recipes on her husband's show) and Karpovsky's wordless, motionless reaction show that the filmmaker knew exactly what he is doing.

This movie is on Netflix instant watch, as is 'Bass Ackwards' another movie he acts in, and 'Trust Us This is All Made Up' which follows TJ Jagodowski and David Pasquesi relationship in relation to their improv.

Some Shit Sherlock

2011-01-09T18:54:00.002-05:00

Investigation:

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=biggest+turd&aq=f

My case:

3 DAYS UNTIL THE PARKS AND RECS 1 MONTH TIL SEASON PREMIERE COUNTDOWN

2010-12-16T21:03:00.004-05:00

Are you pumped? Ya pumped? Are all. of. you. PUMPED!

We are almost 1 Month away until season 3 of Parks and Recs is back on the air (Jan. 20th at 9:30 hey!). That's more Mouse Rat. More successfully marketed-to references about Tom's Wardrobe. More peer-to-peer relationship growing between Ron Swanson and Leslie!

NBC's stupid decision to give this show half a season has now been replaced by another stupid decision, and we can now get to know the town of Pawnee (Racist murals and Corn Syrup factory et all) a little bit more closely.

What's that NBC.com? You want to join in on the fun? THE FUN OF BEING EXCITED! THE EXCITED OF BEING FUN! Go right ahead, NBC.com:

NBC.com. You idiot. Her name is Leslie Knope. I will take another screen shot to show you:

Yeah, you did your job with the date. But... why don't you care about... yourself? I mean I love the show, and you're just not giving a fuck. Give fuck, NBC.com. Geezus Chryzb.

Anyway, I am super excited for Parks and Recreation to be back on the air (first 2 seasons streaming on Netflix- GO!). I'm going to write try harder and dedicate some blog time over the next Month-ish. So this whole thing was an announcement. To myself, really. Oh, and I did click on where it mentions 'parks and rec in 3-D'. Pretty good stuff. Here's a screen grab:

My Struggle in Watching Television Sometimes

2010-12-15T15:11:00.000-05:00

OK. So describing myself: A skinny, foreign tan young adult who obsesses over TV and Movies and expresses creativity thru being meta.

I also just described Abed from Community. Now, me not admitting that me and Abed were similar was holding back me absolutely loving that TV show.

Abed is awesome. I shouldn't project my feelings of inadequacy onto a TV character despite how I've said similar things that rang hollow and true when uttered by him.

Keep saying it: Abed is awesome. His friends view him in a particular light and have certain expectations of him. Abed can tell you the overlapping specifics between Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf 2 (Dad/Uncle and Francis from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure).

There's the upsetting part about relating to a recluse, odd television character. The 'dark side' if you will: Abed has to be blatantly told life is real and can't express emotions fully. That's fine. I see that in myself, I can work on that.

Things are allowed to happen in real life, as long as I can spot the differences: I flirted with a gay man because I wanted to talk about Strangers With Candy. Not some nerdy sci-fi TV series. There's a difference.

Mostly, though. Abed is everyone. He is viewing Community as a TV show too. Not understanding Abed is really not fully comprehending TV. Imagine if you related to Britta or Jeff. I would feel kind of sorry, but in a tragic way that's acceptable and makes me seem deeper than I really am.

If I'm seeing too much of myself in a TV character (nervous nerd type) at least it's on a show that has the TV character I want to grow up to be:

Parts of a Whale

2010-12-13T08:00:00.003-05:00

The face.

The blow hole.

The belly.

Flukes.

The stranded sailor still alive waiting area.

The dead sailor bone yard.

Blow-hole tube.

Vocal chords.

The place where the dolphin mafia dump bodies.

Tail.

Flipper.

Right Eye.

Left Eye.

Everybody Dance Eye.

Penis.

Vagina.

The part of brain that can tell if the vagina is actually wet.

Heart.

Shrimp playing poker.

Blubber.

Diet Blubber.

Blubber Zero.

Tounge.

Baleen.

Mezzanine Floor.

Sierra Mist Splash Zone.

Trophy Case of Paley Center Honors for Usage in Literature.

Suck hole.

Suck hole tube.

Print and Copy Center.

Bad-ass, take-no-prisoners attitude.

All the above mentioned can be see in the picture below:

The Whale: mysterious creature that has lived for over 800 million years eating dinosaurs, missing links, and space aliens all this time while figuring out how to always remain functionally wet. Here's to you, Shamu Robinson. Jesus Loves you more than you can grow.

Dumb Review: Pitchfork Reviews Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

2010-12-08T06:37:00.001-05:00

Let's get one thing straight. I am doing this to drive up traffic. I have a blog titled 'Dumb Reviews' and a popular review site is Pitchfork and a popular review being talked about is them giving a 10 to the new Kanye West record.

It's sneaky and nothing like me, I know. But to before a man has to 'go fuck off', he needs to have something to fuck on.

I did read that review though. And it was dumb. But they likely gave it a 10 for the same reason I am even talking about. To drive traffic. To give them something to talk about. So people who have blogs can post a comment that drives traffic to their site. I really like this album too, and this is coming from a guy who just added Electrelane into his favorite music on Face-bbooookk.

Because that's where we are. The internet. We are on the internet. And you do what you got to do, to do whatever it is you want to do. That's what I tell all my Communist Party Leader friends when they want their appetizer they ordered to come out with everyone else's meals at the same time.

Pitchfork only mentioned Chris Rock once, and that was in reference to the pull Kanye has with his celebrity. IT WAS FUNNY- say that.

Arrested Development Sub-Plot City USA!

2010-12-06T09:11:00.002-05:00

Arrested Development is great. There I said it. You agreed. Let's move on.

The show is such a thick cut of well-seasoned show steak, that if you cut off just a tiny bit of it, you're gonna get mind constipated for the night. This episode alone had 2 sub-plots to its already tangential plots of the over-arcing sub-plots of the series as a whole.

Let's take a look at one of these sub-plots. A perfect gift of logical absurdity that not only connects to the other plot lines seamlessly but, amps up the pace of the entire show.

Episode- Best Man for the Gob (season 1, episode 19)

Sub-plot: Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution

After Tobias' urging, Michael (within the joke of sycning the band name with the narration) urges Lindsay to join the family band she, Maeby and Tobias played together in back when they lived in Boston. Lindsay does not want to do it, and hated the band because it got her hooked on medication. Maeby, thinking of herself, does want to get the band back together so that she can spend less time with her parents. The entire plot is hinged on Maeby. She, through a childhood of having horrible parents, recognizes and manipulated the situation to her advantage. It's very sad, actually. George Michael just wants to be in the band because it sounds fun, and because of his crush on his cousin. Which is even sadder. You can also replace the base word sad with funny, in those last to usages.

Tobias, however, is proud of the band, and is not surprised to meet a fan, who just so happens to be Gob's wife. He even provides some background, and holds our first mirror to the prescription drug industry, "Sadly, Teamocil has been discontinued. The sense of wellness it created in relationships was merely the first sign of complete pituitary shutdown."

The band gets back together for a drug expo show at the hotel where Gob's bachelor party is happening, and where George Michael and Michael are staying for their father-son fishing trip. The band, about ready to perform, breaks up because Lindsay is irritable because the drug she taken has a side effect of delayed irritabilty, and at the fact that they are "dressed like it is the 60s" when "it's the 21st century we should be dressed like its the 80s". (Maeby leaves the band because she again recognizes the situation and decides in her best interest, which is to just leave.) In a fun bit of awareness, the stakes are raised (and the climax to the sub-plot is set up) with a slow motion reaction when Tobias finds out that his parking won't be validated if no one performs.

In the 3rd and final scene of the solution plot, we get tidied up nicely. The commentary on how corporate and uninspired the artists who work for a drug company actually are with a cliche fawning folk ballad duet entitled "Teamocil", which features the line "There's no I in Teamocil, at least not where you'd think", proving that every detail these writers give themselves is perfectly thought out and executed.

The plot is rapidly moved forward and set up to its triumphant conclusion in song by a quick earlier exchange in the episode, as Gob's wife saves Tobias from solo-singing a duet by playing the song about a drug that affected her so deeply she would recognize the singer several years later and therefore have the gummation, flare, and ballsiness to cut through the crowd in song.

Wrapping things up nicely is the third heat that makes this joke such a well-oiled machine, George Michael using his wood block and developed rhythm (inspired by punctuality) comes in and delivers the spot-on parody of drug taglines. The similar drugs to take instead have similar togetherness names- "Grouphug" & "Bondat", or you can "consult your own wellness guide". With a cherry on top of Tobias kicking George Michael out of the band, likely due to his artistic integrity being ruined if he had a wood-block in his act.

The ripple effect reaches the A-story as Gob's wife tells Gob that she is in love with Tobias, his brother-in-law, but she pauses incorrectly after saying brother. Gob, vulnerable from the current issues he has with his father and jealous of Michael and currently being humbled by him, is reminded of Michael being in love with Marta, and feels betrayed by his younger brother and takes his aggressions out on him with a punch knocking him out cold. Thus begins the divorce process between Gob and Gob's wife. All this paragraph was summed up in 3 lines of dialouge in about 8 seconds.

Pizza, as in relations to children's jubilation through song

2010-12-05T13:04:00.004-05:00

Living in New York- I can getta da slica of da pizz'a anytime I want. The thing is, I have many, many choices of pizza restaurants. And I have to decide if I want it by the slice or a whole pie. And who is chipping in. And counter in cost of delivery. And hear everyone's philosophy on tipping. The whole process takes away the excitement of eating pizza. The blissful ignorance of being a child and eating a meal with melted cheese by using only my hands. I miss being excited about pizza.

So to all the blog readers under 10: -your asshole parents need to monitor your fucking computer usage, and enjoy pizza while you still can. Enjoy that an adult just hands it to you. Enjoy it while your palette doesn't care about extra toppings, and is perfectly fine with the cheaper option of no toppings.

To help with that excitement, songs have been created. Simple songs, your simple plain cheese pizza mind can understand. But why settle for Pizza Outlet when you can easily get Pizza Hut? I'm here to tell you which Children's Pizza Related Novelty songs should be "eaten crust first" and which ones to "store in the fridge for breakfast tomorrow".

What's Hot in Pizza Songs? Pizza Kids - We Like Pizza

No more The Go-Go's, Pizza Kids GOT THE BEAT. Honestly, tell me the difference (besides lyrics) between house music and We Like Pizza. It's so insanely euro-trash down to the unique enunciation of "pizah". But the song nose dives and crashes and passengers die at those awful lyrics. How about that non-linear chorus? "we like pizza in the morning/ we like pizza EVERY DAY/ we like pizza in the evening/ we like pizza ANYWAY"? If you say everyday, I understand that it entails morning and evening. And anyway other than what? When you say anyway- you shouldn't be agreeing with yourself. And not to mention- a still picture? This is 2018- make god'am video! Granted you did put the most attractive member (the Timberlake) out in front, and the girls sure can point both properly and awkwardly with her thumbs while also shoulder too much shoulder and not enough shoulder. My final decision. Much like Domino's- this pizza is best served stoned.

OLD SCHOOL- Olsen Twins - Gimme Pizza

The Olsen Twins represent a gold standard in the marketing home videos to children world, so I am totally fine with letting them act in Weeds, or be CEO of a company I'll never hear about. In their ode to pizza, they have a relatable battle cry of 'I want pizza', and offer the spelling. With the girls, parkinson-esque dancing on one side and the rainbow gang on the other- the friends extoll the virtues of curiousty and adventure by putting various items on the pizza. They kind of try here heightening from sausagesto ice cream to oreo to chicken tounge to a reference of fried green tomatoes. They weren't compelling, but they tried. Too many fast cuts for my stomach. I didn't have enough time to decide with girl I related to most. Also, their reaction shots at the audacity of their pizza toppings are a great reminder that children haven't developed all their emotions yet. But this pizza is easy enough to digest, thanks to beginning framing device in which we get to see some of the most earnest synced up head shaking on film.

This Pizza Place by us is the best pizza I ever had: Unknown Japanese Pizza Song

Japanese creative types are more in touch with the world, then our indulgent American selves. I am not going to pretend I know anything that happens here, but the song doesn't SOUND as basically structured as the last two videos, and the colors actually make me happy. Plus there's a point where something (either garlic or poop) is shown, then a dog runs out, then a man- this is followed by question marks which leads me to believe they don't know what happened either.

This happens twice actually. All with images of Italy, checkerboard backgrounds, and easy to imitate dance moves, Pizza Song is insanely fun and proves the point that lyrics ruin songs. This pizza was cooked in a well-maintained oven solely designed to hold one pizza pie at a time, which is bad for business- but make for one delicious pizza. I would say it's like 'White Pizza', but I am trying to get kids to eat it.

This has been Dumb Reviews, aiming for a lower age demographic.

You're reading a post right now.

2010-12-03T19:26:00.004-05:00

Hello Blog.

I know, I know. Before you say it- I've missed you too.

We were just doing something for so long there- me with all those daily updates on you, and you with all your being on the internet- I just needed to get away for a while. That's all.

I've been experiencing the world, blog, THE WORLD. Ever hear of it? It's where information is born, raised, and then served to you, internet, to use as your food.

But I'm here now. And 'now' means something, doesn't? DOESN'T IT, BLOG?

I know you're feeling neglected, hurt, embarrassed, and probably masturbating to pictures of more popular blogs and whole-sale liquidators official websites. But that's your thing, blog, I'm not gonna bother you about it. I just wanted to see you again. And feel you again, blog. To put words inside of you. To link to things I have I just realized I left on in the background. To beat you down like an abusive husband who doesn't realize he's always wearing 'wifebeater' tank tops, (deep breath), with these super indulgent entries that write to prove a point to yourself that you do actually own and take care of a blog? Did you even get what I just said? Blog?

Hello? Blog?

Current State: The Office

2010-11-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

As we watch this season, we have to constantly remind ourselves that Michael Scott is leaving. With that layering of knowing, The Office has fans such as myself speculating on every little occurrence the show. So let's do that.

Andy has had a major plot implications every episode so far this season. I like that his plot involves other characters (his budding friendship with Darryl, Phyllis' genuine like of him, and the Gabe/Erin "love triange"), and Ed Helms is in movies and came from the Daily Show. So he's different enough from Michael Scott with the same Steve Carrell breeding.

Though I don't think Andy is taking over as boss, he's clearly not good enough, I do see him taking over as the source material in future episodes. The boss, well, we can argue that we already know. The past episode, "Viewing Party", pretty much established that Gabe is in command. Maybe once Michael Scott leaves, Gabe takes on more of Michael's business duties, while passing along the blander day-to-day things along to the office administrator (she knows Michael's job better than anyone else, and she has a sales background (something Michael alluded to when she walked on coals). There's also the wildcard of Daryl, who has big plans at this company, and is an established idea man with a succesful track record. Oh and Jim? Well, Jim is fucking up more. Jim is turning into the Michael with his emotions in check. Just the 'fuck-up' part, not 'fucked-up'. So with Andy's idiocy, and Jim's bumbling- we'll pretty much have the same office in tact.

But what about the exit for Steve Carrell? There is a precedent of David Brent saying 'Fuck off' and believing in himself. Goodness, knows that'd be good for Michael. But he needs something deeper. Is his relationship with Erin that something? History of the two: they had nice bonding during Scott's Tots (she was there for Michael), Michael can be nice to her (the ending of Secretary's Day), and now- Erin views Michael as her father, which he accepts. Michael always wanted to be the best friends with his co-workers, his "family". Jim and Pam have always rejected that notion, despite Michael's best efforts. That was symbolized in the christening to a degree, but I believe there is much more to be mined between Jim, Pam, and Michael. Michael does look at those 2 as perfect, and he does find Erin "a bit of a rube". Michael doesn't realize he is just as bit as a rube. The Erin and Michael relationship is one of the best things the show has going for it right now (Dwight taking care of CeCe has the potential to be the best thing the show has ever done- fingers crossed- not jinxing), and that is exciting. Ellie Kemper and Steve Carrell are 2 amazing improvisers. Just look at their father-daughter scene. Throw in the improv skills of Zach Woods (The World's Most Awkward Boy) and the information we just learned about Gabe (he's in charge, he likes throwing parties) and we have something there.

Michael's been pretty self destructive and even more immature lately. Now, Michael Scott has a chance to be involved. He saw the Pam, Roy, Jim thing play out in front of him. Now he has the Gabe, Erin, Andy problem presenting itself, with people on his own level. Couple that with giving Dwight (who is one of the best left-field character's in TV history) something to do, and we have the makings here. About a half a season left- don't waste it.

Review: Tossing

2010-11-15T08:00:00.000-05:00

Ah, the sweetness of tossing. The middle ground between throwing and lobbing . The cornerstone of gentlemen's baseball. Yes, tossing is the 1st love of catching, and they have had many children together.

But the failure of tossing is it's key component. The unspoken nature that a 'toss' is a lighter throw (ie toss your cookies under the standard of throwing up). Unspokeness leads to danger, as one's man's toss is another man's heave, fling, or chuck.

Tossing is a connection between two people. Tossing take time. You toss with someone, you trust that person. You take care of that person. This isn't the back alley's of crime festooned 1950's San Francisco- this is a 2 way street with very precise lighting street lamps.

When you're out of reach, across the room, or a reasonable amount of stories below, and you just need a non-liquid, likely not to shatter, with-in your strength limits of catching- thank tossing and all that it's tossed for you.

Review: "Teaching"

2010-11-12T09:02:00.002-05:00

Those aren't fists yet. Keep curling your fingers. The whole way. Yeah. Yeah! Good, good. Quit moving your thumb around. Keep it in one place. Keep it down. Try tucking it in. Like that. Good. Can you squeeze any? At a boy! Now do the same thing with the other hand. Oh, still keep your one hand in the fist. Keep it shut. If you have to keep it under your arm pit, buddy, we wanna make 2 fists at once. That's it, curl, curl... What do we do with the thumb? Yes! Alright, now slowly take the fist from out of your armpits. Squeeze if you can... Look! You have 2 fists! Now swing your arm. Whoa, alright. Now put your arms to the side. Lift one up, still with the fists. Make an L with your elbow. That's a V, move it out. Good. Now slowly bring it back in the L- still with the fist- and now bring it forward, making it extend out straight in front of you. Good. Now- we're gonna do that but faster. Ok. L shape- baaack, and forward. Back, forward. Back/forward. Backforward. Bacfowrd. Bckfrwd. Bahfd! YES! Good job! That's what throwing a punch feels like. Now if only you could talk.

Let's List: The Type of Parents Who Would Buy This Pink Estate Wagon Rider for Their Child

2010-11-11T10:52:00.003-05:00

-Kooky Parents That Buy the Fun Soaps That Encourage Kids to Bath By Themselves

-Neurotic Parents That Live Through Their Kid's Facebook Pages

-Busy Parents That Have The Nanny Deal with Halloween Costumes

-Overwhelmed Parents That Have a Convoluted yet Informed Idea of the America Working Class

-Single Mothers Who Won Custody

-Single Fathers Doing Their Best With Their Daughter

-Gay Farming Parents Who Struck it Rich With Their Line of Organic Carrot Yogurt

-Color Blind Parents That Like the Saw Movie Franchise

-Hilarious Parents Who Prank Their Children

-Hipster Parents Taking Irong Too Far

-Parents That Were Frozen in the 1400s and once being Unfrozen This Was the First Thing They Saw

-Bad Parents Whose Kids Are Not Informed Enough About Breast Cancer

-Grand Parents Still Impressed by Wood Paneling

-Oven Roasted Parents Forced to Purchase Campy Items by the Item's Designer Who Has Gone Mad from Lack of Sales of the Product

- Any Parent Who Think The Will Smith Song "Parent's Just Don't Understand" doesn't apply to them, or Any Parent Who Has Made a Decision Either Way About That Will Smith Song, or Any Parent Who Thinks About Will Smith at all, Or any Parent Who Has Seen Hancock, so AKA idiots

Ten: Types Of Hair Weaves I Invented Soley based on Names I Just Thought Up

2010-11-10T08:00:00.002-05:00

-Churls In Churge: Your favorite zoo animal is killed in front of a kindercare class field trip, and then a picture of yourself in a Santa suit with beard askew is circulated amongst the class with the caption "This person is using this animal's hair for a weave."

-The First 20 Minutes of the Apocolypse: Fiona Apple's 'Criminal' is played on non-stop loop at a Sarasota area mental hospital. The hair pulled out by the patients is then made into a weave.

-Snaddy Janette's Rice Wagon: You are stranded on an island for 1 week with the proper amount of food, but it is covered with human hair. From your fecal matter- the hair is extracted and then made into your own weave.

-Squid Cuisine: Pour 98 gallons of gasoline into a lake, and then torch. What floats to the top is sprinkled with hair and made into a weave because that's what I'm supposed to be talking about.

-Vertical Mooning: A weave made from the ass hair of Scandinavian hospital patients (extra for curls, extra extra for females, extra extra extra for disease free)

-Hope Springs Eternal: A weave is made with the pulpy material created by recycling all the foreclosed Blockbuster DVD copies of Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain MIXED with all the carpeting from MC Hammer's former estate

-Sternum Value: Hair is wrapped around a rib bone of YOUR choosing (Ribs provided by Wes' Poorly Guarded Orphan Cemetary - home of the saddest ghosts)

-The First 20 Seconds of a Pauly Shore Movie: Artist Banksy Follows You for 12 hours and then creates a weave that subtly mocks you while making you more relevant to pop culture

-Fudge Powder: A gopher snorts chinese spices and bath salts, and then sneezes on your head

-Half Price NAMBLA Orgy: all the above ones combined attached as fast as possible by midget with a blindfold while you are standing up (her fingers are the men to the hair of your boys)

Review: The Process In Which I Write

2010-11-09T09:10:00.001-05:00

Let's not sugar coat this. I write this blog purely based on making myself write everyday. Why? Because I am super busy and want to add to that stress level. So, yeah, most of the time- I literally crank out a blog entry. I take a giant lever, internally push my organs to one side, stick that lever about 14 inches deep into the non-organ side, and crank it until a blog post has been written. I have about 4 levers all approximately the same size. I keep them in the bathroom near the shower so I don't forget to wash them. They're about 6-10 pounds each, minimal rust.

The gaping hole in my side? Oh that's the beautiful part--- it's begun to build up immunity to the constant incision/penetration. This means it has begun to heal once the crank is within me, making it much harder to take out. This has made blog production much faster, and efficient. However, the quality has gone down. I assume this is due to my focusing on the pain and constantly worry of infection.

I hope you enjoyed this look into the way I write. I hope I inspired any young writers out there who googled the words "Baby Dare Devil" to not focus on the constraints of creativity- but to revel in the freedom of induced pain and rapid scabbing. This is my gift to you (gift not liable for any blood-loss, blood staining, or blood-increase).

Review: Waiting for It

2010-11-05T08:00:00.001-04:00

You can take "waiting for it" many different ways. I am expressing the joke aspect of waiting for it. So....

Wait for it.....

Conan was always the best because he added and heightened the comedy and never left you hanging. So much respect for being so silly. And he got us there.

So now I'm using a 'wait for it' as means of excitement levels, because Conan O'Brien is back this Monday.

It's important. It's important to have someone this open-minded to silly in charge of things on TV. Just wait for it.

Review: Cancer Patients

2010-11-04T14:32:00.002-04:00

Real life, man. Real life like when a famous basketball player (known for intensity and trash talk) calls another basketball player (known for having Alopecia and kind of sucking) a "cancer patient".

That hits. That gets around. That is beyond a game that you as a millionaire are playing. That's real life.

Notice I've said real life, 4 times now (I included just now). 'Real life' is a term I am using to mean up to interpretation. Which is another way of me saying- yeah, most people would be offended by this, but I'm not. I'm not saying people who are offended have no sense of humor... I'm saying they have a different one. So as politely as I can say it- go fuck yourself.

Kevin Garnett called Charlie Villanueva (pictured above with an actual cancer patient) a cancer patient. I laughed at this. Why? Because Real Life is hilarious.

Look Kevin Garnett says things because why wouldn't he. He barked and crawled on all 4s once. And now he called someone a Cancer Patient. He shouldn't have- OK. He's a public figure- blah blah blah. I'm fine with it. I believe his insult was intended to mean Charlie Villlanueva looks like a cancer patient because he's bald with no eyebrows. Now cancer patients know they are bald. And no one is denying that bald cancer patients exist. And Charlie Villanueva does look weak and frail and his alopecia shaved head looks closer to Chemo treatment than most other shaved heads. But there- I said it "weak and frail"-- am I not supposed to remind people that cancer patients are weak? They have it hard enough without stating the obvious, huh?

Well fuck that. Cancer Patients are people. And as people they deal with things differently. They survive, they get through. They don't care about what I say and they shouldn't care about what Kevin Garnett says. If they do- then I'm sorry. I'm sorry they took to the time to read a blog post labeled Cancer Patients on a site called Dumb Reviews. I'm sorry they like sports as much as they do. I'm sorry they don't have anything else to do. Kevin Garnett telling a shitty basketball player he looks like a cancer patient is Kevin Garnett telling a shitty basketball player he's not as good a basketball player as he is.

Being a cancer patient sucks. I don't know why we have to tip toe around that. Do you appreciate that Cancer patients? Being told that you're offended because something awful happened to you? Do you not know that you having cancer would make anyone less skilled at basketball than if they were healthy? Should we call people 'rape victims' instead?

I don't know why most people are easily offended. My guess is they like to talk and draw the attention to themselves. I don't know why there is cancer. My guess is because of all the horrible food people eat. I don't know why Kevin Garnett is so good at defense. My guess is his height and athleticism. I know what I am- I just am that type of guy to laugh at a nutcase basketball player calling another basketball player a Cancer Patient.

WAY TO READ A LINE: Danny Pudi in Community "Epidemiology"

2010-11-03T09:02:00.001-04:00

Community has been the most fun on TV for the past 2 weeks. They hit you with the heavy hand of their 'Jesus' episode, and then follow it up with and go 'Zombie'. And it feels right to quantify each episode with one word, because Community has deftly parodied and subtlety become that short-handed and familiar of a TV show. The one character that sums that up, for better and acknowledged for worse, is Abed.

Now I said Community is a fun show. Fun is pretty much all you can ask from a TV sitcom, and Community throws fun up all over your freshly washed sport coat. Part of the fun (of watching any TV show really) is having your expectations exceeded. Let me explain: The Big Bang Theory isn't funny because the characters are saying their jokes. There have a pattern of set-up and heighten. Say the jokes, pause for the laughter. It's fine. It's not fun though. Better TV shows serve their jokes.

Abed, as established from every episode, as established even in this episode, has a romanticized view of life shaped by movies. He is also established as smart and capable. So having this character in a zombie movie setting is such a treat. So when we're down to the last 2 survivors, and its the best friends who have been arguing, the best friends who we recognize as the more comedic relief of the ensemble- we get to expect something.

"Troy, make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end."

We get an Abed movie zinger- a classic stereotype of horror movies that of course Abed recognizes in this situation. We get an emotional resolution to the Troy-Abed nerd dispute- Abed means his words- he wants Troy to succeed, he wants the school to be saved (Abed after all did bring up changing the temperature most out of all the characters), and- because we know Abed- he really wanted to say that line. All that in one line. In a zombie episode.

So sure, I took a cheap shot at Big Bang Theory... they could say this line and make it their own. Hell, I'm sure they had a similar line to this one. But no, they didn't have the emotional core to it. And no, they sure didn't do it in a zombie episode. That was set to Abba music. That played it totally straight. They would say the joke. They wouldn't serve it.

Also in this episode The Dean had heavy cream (not for drinking) on his grocery list.

What I Wouldn't Give For: an armrest

2010-11-02T10:00:00.002-04:00

I am sitting. I am sitting as a bird flies without wind. I am sitting spilling out of the chair. Unencumbered my limbs are, claiming personal space and ruggedly braving the elements of unconfined. I could brush up against this man's arm and claim his arm space for the kingdom my my arm. He very well could hock his burly arm to seize my area. His arm is more hirsute than mine.

I am sitting with antsy elbows. Gravity has gotten the best of them, and they can't rest- points digging- in my lap much longer. No these elbows shouldn't be touching me at all. These elbows are dangerous and should be treated as such. These elbows need to stop, these elbows need an anchor. These elbows, oblivious to reason.

Though this chair reaches basic chair requirements- sitting on it- this chair is not comfortable. It does not have the nestled-in, the at-ease feeling of sitting. This chair makes me judgmental. This chair makes me detached. This chair is not the chair for me.

The day has been long, my arms have been used. These arms. These arms that hold my hands, these arms that hold certain muscles, these arms that itch under certain sweaters. These arms are tired, this chair helps them none.

O- what I wouldn't give for an armrest.

Review: Cold Hammers

2010-11-01T12:28:00.003-04:00

Hot Hammers are fine. Sure sure sure. In fact, if I was torturing someone- I'd go with a hot hammer. But the time for torturing has passed (thank you Saw franchise) and for the sake of getting work done, give me a cold hammer.

A cold hammer is more honest. More determined. More loud. Hot hammers lie, get by on looks, and are less loud. A cold hammer is less likely to melt, a hot hammer is more likely to reference an MC. When I think of cold hammers, I think of forging, and of hard steel. When I think of hot hammers I think of less forging, and not as hard of steel.

The basic aesthetic difference between the hot and the cold hammer, much like all temperature differences, is simple. So simple, in fact, that I'm not stating such an obvious aesthetic difference. Instead I am going to say it is the difference between the Civil War and a civil war within another, more warmer country. Or the difference between a blizzard in Canada, and a blizzard in Carolina. Or Tea and Iced Tea.

Review: Older Women with Long Gray Hair

2010-10-28T11:38:00.004-04:00

As a person who knows everything because knowing you know nothing means learning that you've learned enough (FIND DEFAULT IN THAT REASONING), I am pretty much an expert on woman entering their 50s-60s despite my handicap of being a young male and of not caring. So my worldview stands to reason, that older women with long hair is... just... creepy. In a calm way. In a calm sexual way. In a calm-sexual-what-are-you-trying-to-prove-way.

Now the exception to the rule is Hollywood celebrities and other people who are attractive enough (re: not gray haired) and rich enough to keep with the uptake of the youthful, flowly, I'm every women- look. The rule without the exception is: why do you think that looks good? It might look good to you, which is great for you, but I feel you need to explain it to me. There is getting old gracefully- and there's getting old like a mother fucker. So in light of me and my confusing in your face prose, here's a list:

-Long gray distinguishes witches.
-Long gray hair looks like it'd get stained if you spill something on it.
-Long gray hair contradicts itself in its youthful, elderly appearence.
-Long gray hair looks like a place a night animal would sleep.
-Long gray hair really sticks it to older bald men (a postive!)
-Gray is not a complimentary color to the face.
-Women don't need to be 'eccentric', they have boobs (note: breast cancer patients- do whatever you want, I'm not starting up with you ever again)
-I don't need any more reminders about Joan Baez
-There are better ways to show you're liberal
-Frame your face, use style.... just having your hair long is kind of bland at your age. If you're a book store owner, have been described as granola, own a baggy shirt that is purple, have made something you are wearing, if you use the word 'sycamore' regularly, have talked about birds to an audience, have more than 6 candles within sight right now, and talk openly about your vagina- chances are I'm talking about you.

Chances are you'll never read this blog. So I don't feel bad at all for saying anything I've said at all. Or will say. Or am saying now. I am put off by you, long haired older women. It's not that you're ugly (it kind of is), it's that you could look better (which really wouldn't change much in your life, you're uterus is still 80% dust). If you feel better with long hair, like a rebel or that you have a youthful spirit about yourself- cool. Think that about yourself. Just to let you know- I'm allowed to make fun of decisions. And I am making fun of you.

Review: The least amount of Money you can give to charity.

2010-10-27T08:00:00.000-04:00

$200? It's more than one hundred, in fact- double more. You want more? Fine... $250. That's a 25% mark-up of the original. Good, right? It's still small, yes, compared to the other amounts being floated your way. But if you were a lesser charity it'd be a average to decent sum. What are lesser charities? The PTA? I don't know what they spend their money on. No, $250 is all I'm going to give you. It's more than the least amount of money I can give to your charity without looking cheap. Because I added $50 to my original offering, that's why. $200 is a lot of money to... hunters. Trailsmen. What do you know, you're a charity. You don't know what it's like to work for a living unless I completely lack the understand what it is you actually do. Now I said I'll give you $250. $250.50. I can do that. It sounds like a lot when you say it out loud. Really loud. Say it really loud. Yeah.

Reviews: Sawing a Dog in Half

2010-10-26T08:00:00.001-04:00

There are very few clean ways to saw a dog in half. In fact, after love, decency, and not being retarded, huge messes are a popular reason given for not sawing a dog in half. But we have to be adults about this and just have to admit to ourselves that some things are just inevitable and a dog could be needed to saw in half and you can be the person to saw that dog. In half.

Here are a few helpful tips when sawing a dog in half:

1) Accept the situation and just have fun with it!

2) Make sure it's alive. You know that saying about beating a dead horse? Well, it's like that. Plus listening to the sounds it whimpers and cries out is all the oil your sawing machine (your arm) needs to "motivate" through that dog.

3) Make sure you and people around you are properly dressed. Who wants errant dog fur on their clothes? Or dog blood. Or dog bone. Or dog organ. Or dog face tissue. Or dog unknown thick black substance that smells like diarrhea'd in toner.

4) Think of how proud you are to be a human who is capable of reaching a decision such as to saw a dog in half. This not only makes the act seem less disgusting, abnormal, and wrong, but also helps you appreciate your thumbs more.

5) Reflect on the decisions you have made in life that have led you to cut a dog in half. Was this unavoidable? If Suzy Derricks would have said yes and went with you to the Hillford Grove Fall Harvest Box Social in the 6th grade, would that have made a difference? Is killing addicting? Is addiction so wrong? Is this my dog? How proud of myself should I be right now? Sawing a dog in half is going to be one of the most personal moments of your life, only you know what you'll be thinking. So think smart- think reflexive- and pushing down beneath the chin and groin area with the palm of each hand while the dog lays on its back horizontally across your knee is the best great way to soften the spine.

Review: NBA Previews

2010-10-25T08:00:00.002-04:00

Prognostication. It's what separates us from the animals that wear human costumes. It also sells magazines and lets people think they know what the are talking about.

The NBA preview is full of cutting obvious statement short and keeping convoluted ideas in your pants. In short- previewing the NBA season is checking the internet. Staying informed is even easier when it is labeled and easy to follow. It's a way to go that I choose not to do because, 1- I don't come that easy and C) I don't make that much sense. Why should I give things straight forward, when there are so many different angles that even haven't been existed yet to go down.

But I appreciate the NBA preview. They take the time to rank players 1-to-why would the continue, all for the amusement of people who like to know the 2nd tier of backup point guards and how many decent big bodies are taking up roster space that I wish would be used on undersized wingmen. Because what is the overwhelming sentiment: Ben Gordon or Marcus Thornton? I care that Kevin Love is getting mentioned an appropriate amount. I want to hear what I already think about the Washington Wizards not going to be as good as everyone thinks.

It's like getting a new encyclopedia every year that is based on thinking and informed opinion. It's completely unnecessary unless you pay attention to it. And that's not only such a weird special present- it's about the best basketball players on the earth.

Oh,-- Miami duh.

WHAT MY THEME SONG SAYS ABOUT ME: The OC

2010-10-22T08:00:00.004-04:00

Phantom Planet was just this band trying to get by. They had a debut record on Geffen in 1998 and their drummer was in a breakout star in a Wes Anderson movie. They kept trying, and low and behold- a piano driven ballad that most people found whiny seemed to perfectly compliment to teen angst.

"California" lent some credibility to a teen drama. Teen drama's are always looking to scavenge credibility. Paula Cole had a break out single and best new artist Grammy, and then turned her whiny ballad into a teen drama theme song. Phantom Planet had somewhat a cred in a non-successful artistic sense, and turned their whiny song into an one. "Right back where we started from" is such a quintessential vague line about nothing that of course teens will eat that up.

The OC really was about making teens eat out of their hands. Fox shows in general are known to give their audience what they want. Married with Children was loved by schmucks, The Simpsons panders to their nerds, Prison Break kept prison breakin'. Glee. The OC had- hot guys, hot girls, single parents, guns, indie music, spiderman references, a setting where the hot guys and girls could wear swimsuits. Having 'California' as their theme song was saying "hey, this song makes us look like we give a fuck". It worked. I usually hate things in equivalence to how much people misguidedly loved something- and I really hated The OC.

I can't be all that mad. I love making fun of this song by singing it. I mean, I don't have to add anything, this song is really funny. I mean putting that much emotion into the syllables of an already been done word like 'California'- that's funny. Some people like it, apparantly a lot of peolpe did- but I liked in my own cynical way.

It's vague and doesn't need to make sense, aka The Simpsons Did it.

Here's another Knot's Landing set to that theme song:

Here's some assholes being assholes set to the song:

Here's some asshole singing it while his mom films it:

Here's some assholes who think they're gonna make it singing it:

And finally, here's a kid singing it to a Target gift card:

Hustlers get your guns.

Review: Eastbound and Down: where we are now

2010-10-21T14:52:00.004-04:00

Do I want Stevie Janowski to be happy? That's a question I've been kicking around in my head since Chapter 10.

Stevie Janowski serves Kenny Powers. I mean that literally and figuratively. He's his sidekick and he does errands for Kenny. Because he is in 'black ops' with Kenny, Stevie is a gauge of Kenny's attitude.

Ultimately- this is Kenny's show. I don't think anyone wants it any other way. So when we see Stevie have a girlfriend and have a real moment of pathos and desperation with Kenny when requested to dump that girlfriend- I want Kenny Powers to be Kenny fucking Powers. So of course that means denying Stevie pleasure. Which, wow, I didn't know I'd feel so badly about. Part of why I feel bad is because we almost see Kenny feel bad. But we know Kenny and we know what Kenny thinks of Stevie- a punching bag of comfort.

The question is DO I WANT to see Stevie happy? At what cost is Stevie's happiness? Stevie has grown a lot by just emulating Kenny Powers. That's likely a bad thing, but serving Kenny makes him happy, right? I just don't view it that way. I just view it as Kenny Powers and the guy he keeps around to serve him. If Stevie is truly happy- does that mean he has stood up to Kenny? Does it mean he has realized just how awful a human Kenny is? Does it mean that Kenny is actually taking care of himself?

My concerns about Stevie all stem from my concrns about Kenny- a man that needs to change but I don't want to see change. Kenny is way to entertaining a spectacle for me to wish otherwise. So I project my feelings on Stevie. Which is just what Kenny does. I don't want Stevie to be unhappy- I just don't want him sidetracking Kenny. That's what a fan of a TV show wants. As a person who wants to see the good in people--- well I'm not gonna think about this.

These are fictional characters after all. Goodness knows I don't want to see any reflection of myself in these people.

Review: Sexy Firefighter Poorly Cradling a Baby

2010-10-20T18:07:00.000-04:00

Review: Rather Do This

2010-10-19T08:20:00.000-04:00

I started writing about whether or not Faizura Balk is an attractive person. It hurt my head to think about. On the one hand: Nah. Uh uh. But on the other hand: Ok. And: yes?

Then I thought about the nature of celebrity and how it is within every human being's rights to have an opinion on Faizura Balk.

Then I thought that Faizura Balk not jumping on this sexy Vampire craze. Good for her.

Then I saw Vice was doing a comedy issue and read this interview with a hero, Robert Smigel.

Then I checked if Smigel was on twitter. No he isn't, but I found this. Then I thought about all the people who tried twitter and gave up, and how I did that. And I don't care that I did that or that people do that or really anything related to twitter.

Then I wrote this tweet: Basically the face #ThefundamentaldifferencesbetweenRachelRay&Fairuza Balk

Then I realized Fairuza Balk was in Return to Oz. Then I found this stupid idea someone had to take a Fairuza Balk interview form the movie and set it to the movie to- create their own audio commentary? Who is starving for commentary that badly? Wha- nevermind. Here's the video. I made it 3 minutes before shutting it off completely.

Then I looked at the person who created this video's other videos. It was disappointing in that all his videos were boring. Mostly clips of other Wizard of Oz or Alice in Wonderland or Sleeping Beauty. I did find this video funny, because it turns out that the type of person to make their own audio commentary, is the same person to make a youtube video of why they can't make a youtube video:

Then I remembered I was writing this post, and wrote this post instead.

Review: New Logo

2010-10-18T08:00:00.000-04:00

Hey, do this post a favor?

Click HERE.

Cool. Now go to #11.

Thanks, that's all.

Take that DOG PAWS!

I should be proud to be #11 (not I- I didn't do anything) because there is no pomp of top ten, but hey- just about.

OK, now the post:

Things are supposed to look nicer. Look at the Minnesota Vikings Football Jersey. I will admit right now that I had nothing to do with that design and it was all a smarty pants I know named James Acklin. There, that's admitted. He deserves to be the top half of a top 30 list.

But the list itself? Who the fuck are you? I assume you don't take offense to me saying fuck, nor do even read this blog. Why am I assuming that? Well, because you didn't contact me nor the James Acklin when you created your list. You just pulled from your hosting resource. Way to take advantage of an agreement. Why am I mad even though I got free press which is more press than I've ever gotten before? Because this is silly. A purpose of this blog is to not care. So, honestly, nothing against WebAndDesigners.com, my website is just beneath you. Directly beneath you. Tickling your belly. Not in a cute way. In a distracting manner. In an act of annoyance.

So if anything, I am again proving nothing whatsoever (good job), but am forgetting that this top 30 list has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the talented person who made it. Thanks James.

Review: All-Time

2010-10-15T09:24:00.004-04:00

How do you quantify something as an all time favorite? The answer is pretty easy, especially if you are comfortable with yourself. Let's use a "duh": Michael Jordan is an all-time great basketball player. A DUH. In the eyes of those who have viewed or know what basketball is and also know who Michael Jordan is, then his skills at basketball are not only great- they are great throughout history. In the 1950s, Jordan was what they dreamed they could be doing, and in the 2050s people will still be appreciating his game on entirely different levels. He's ALL-TIME great. Apply that to favorite, and it is something completely personal. You know your sensibilities and what speaks to them. A favorite that will still be with you 20 years from now, and still you wish you were aware of it sooner than you were. The "where has this been all my life", and the "let me show you this" clip. All-time.

My All-Time Favorite Clip:

I can break this down into why it pulls out certain heart-strings of mine, but that'd be selling you short. Watch it again. Title screen to establish mood. Then set-up: he's a traveling poet. Then it goes. It goes and goes and is the funniest thing in the world. At least to me. It's how I explained all-time to you. I wish I saw this clip when it first aired, to carry around like a weirdo badge of courage to say 'I was there when this happened'. I wish I will have the love for my children to show them this clip, but they'll probably be mentally handicapped, or worse, spoiled.

All-time. Things that just won't leave your consciousness. Things that trigger emotions from you. Things that are you.

Review: Salad Tongs

2010-10-14T16:15:00.003-04:00

Salad Tongs, you ridiculous bastard. Let's get one thing straight: you only slightly make it easier to grab salad. Maybe about two easier on a 1-10 scale that exists to judge the helpfulness of appliances. I mean I get it. We all get it. Squeezing. Super easy and fun to do. Tongs are great for picking most food up, but why is Salad the most popular type of Tong. Again, no one is dismissing tongs in general. Just specifically Salad ones. In fact, regular tongs do a much better job of getting salad than these pretty boy Salad Tongs.

They come in pretty vain designs to. Clear plastic? What is that supposed to make me feel better? Wooden? That's just admitting that the food you're tonging is for pussies. In terms of your variety- you suck. There's the ones that are just regular tongs and shouldn't have the word salad anywhere near them and you have the ones are 2 pieces that connect to make a shitty scissor of spoon and fork. That's just a stupid idea for a utensil that they just called a salad tong because they couldn't think of any other name that is appropriately as lame. Being called a salad tong is insulting, and you take it on the chin up your ass. Your inner-ass chin, salad tong.

It's not that I hate you (it=this post, I do hate outside of this post), this is just the most I ever thought of you, and this was the result. You can't change who you are, you're an object. That's why boobs make me respect women less and dicks make me laugh- objects. Now go, get on out of here, find someone who'll love you for whatever you are. Go on, Salad Tongs, git!

Review: Father Son Relationship

2010-10-13T14:03:00.005-04:00

Son asks Dad if a sharpie marker is permanent on skin.

Dad asks son why he needs to know that and if son has colored his own skin.

Son says he has not yet but has heard that black cocks are bigger.

Dad laughs.

Dad continues laughing.

Dad stops laughing but is still thinking about it in his mind.

Dad laughs nervously.

Son stares at dad. Son is about to repeat question. Dad interrupts.

Dad tells son not to color his dick.

Son pulls sharpie marker out of his pocket, gives it to dad.

Son sulks and goes to turn away. Dad looks on fondly.

"Son," Dad says, "I love your dick just the way it is."

Son turns and runs into dad's open arms. As they embrace son tells dad how son loves his dad's penis too.

Dad let's go of hug. Son and Dad don't speak for 20 years. Not until Mom's funeral. Son takes dad aside. Son takes sharpie marker out of pocket. Dad smiles, takes out sharpie marker from his pocket. Dad and Son simultaneously whip out their dicks to show that they are both colored in black.

"Marker is hard to get off of skin," says son. Dad cries. Funeral audience cries. Life is restored.

Review: NY Comic Con 2010

2010-10-12T14:58:00.003-04:00

I don't have any interesting pictures. Or even any interesting insight. Or even any interesting stories. Just perspective.

As this was my first Comic Con, I processed a lot of information one processes when they experience a first of something. Do I like this? Is this fun? What's that smell? Are these the people I want to associate with?

And perspective- I am not that nerdy. Nerdy in the unsocial sense. Nerdy in the fantasy sense. I mean I love the things I love to an annoying degree, but I'd like to think I'm articulate about it and I like to think that comes from being comfortable with my level of it. Comic Con- as you can assume- is the people who aren't generally comfortable with themselves in a place where they can let loose and be comfortable with themselves. That sounds good and all, but it really isn't. I'm not being cynical (no baby no). I'm just saying I didn't feel like I wanted to fit in. I mean, I don't read comic books.

Why did I go to Comic Con then? Delocated Panel. Your Highness Panel. And morbid curiosity. There was also a Butters from South Park panel, which was nothing more than a glorified commercial for a Butters DVD. But whatever, I went to it. The 2 mentioned panels were great and I got to ask a question and feel proud about it. Did you know most comic con questions are like this: What are you doing with the props/Can I have one? Can you give us spoilers on the other project you are working on? Will there be a sequel to the other project you did? Can you say hi to my girlfriend? Let me mention something obscure you did- and then can you say how that relates to nothing you're talking about?

So yeah- re-reading this, I'm pretty cynical. It comes from a good place though. A comic con. See- I just said Comic Con was a good place. Just wish I was stoned more.

Sorry for not saying anything ultimately interesting- I just learned more about myself more than anything at comic con- TALK ABOUT SELFISH. Talk about Shell Fish: they also stink.

Review: Being too dry

2010-10-11T09:04:00.000-04:00

Sammy Lynn and Caranthope, her Native American Guide who can communicate with nature, are walking down the forest by the beach. Suddenly- the earth shifts and they are sucked down beneath the ground. They awake and they are completely dry.

"Caranth! I can't feel my eyes" shouted Sammy Lynn. Caranthope was slow to get up as he simultaneously assessed the situation. He mouth stuck together as he tried to talk.

"It's dry... too dry," the guide said, "Your eyes are mostly water and they are drying out. Quick- squint!"

"Carantho! My skin it feels less like it usually does!" Sammy Lynn was rubbing her arms up and down.

"Like I said dry, ok? Try, I dunno, taking off our clothes." Caranthope and Sammy Lynn both began undressing.

"CARANTHOPE!" a stream of confusion came from Sammy Lynn. "You're boner! Why would you ask me disrobe if you knew you were to have that boner for me? It is much too dry for my vagina to moisten!"

The Native paused, his mouth agape with a traffic jam of the right thing to say. The dryness made his boner seem more rugged, like a tool a cowboy would use or a middle eastern woodwind. Just then his mouth felt like he had just plopped in a tablespoon of sand. Caranthope's mouth then began to slowly deteriorate into sand. The dust crawled up his face and down his spine, spreading to the rest of his body. Her native guide, the person who shared many an adventure with Sammy Lynn, the one who has been by her side ever since Sammy Lynn's father saved Caranthope by letting the lion eat his parents instead, the one who served without complaint even when Sammy Lynn requested abortion after abortion for the two's many love children... that man was now nothing but a pile of dark red dust in an underground cave to dry to comprehend.

Sammy Lynn was calm. She walked over to the dust pile. She put her hand in it. She spread it around. She organized it into 2 separate lines. With a tear in her eye- she snorted the remains. Her eyes tuned into a series of hypotnic spins and exclamation points as her whole body became a babble. The dust pile of former Native American guide took its effect as Sammy Lynn turned into a shape of a human rocket and sparks shot out of her feet- rising up out of the underground dry cave, above the tree tops, and into the afternoon sky. BOOM! A light of fireworks across the sky, "HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY" in shimmering red sparkles.

How To Be An Adult: Albert Brooks in 'Lost in America'

2010-10-08T14:52:00.003-04:00

Part of being young is learning to be older, which is why this segment exists. We've covered how to attract women like an adult before, now- this post which is being read ending my sentence now.

How to be an adult? Be awesome at not taking shit. Albert Brook's David is a bit neurotic in this movie, then he this scene happens- and that neurosis turns into a stated fury. David knows he deserves a job, but upon hearing that he doesn't he gives reasons why he deserves that job, albeit punctuated with unprofessionalism. But the way David is unprofessional is justified. Sure its a big account, and yeah David is being a bit of a baby- but can I hear a little bit about dignity? David says it himself- he gave his youth to the company and he feels betrayed. David doesn't want to succumb to a company that has done wrong by him, and he rightfully gets defiant. Played calm it could've been different- but that's not the adult I don't think anyone wants to be. Not a go 'Roll with the punches, take the compliments when they come' type of guy- but the 'I know what I am worth, and I know who I am' type of guy. Plus, we want to be able to call people bald.

David goes off after being complimented. He's either wrong, or he can tell when he is being screwed by a company he committed 8 years to. Regardless- the adult thing to do is make a decision and stand by it. David stands by it and adds 2 'fuck you's for good measure. That's how to be an adult.

RECAP on how to be an adult (Lost in America):
-know your accomplishments
-know how to turn people's words back on them
-be of quick wit
-have dignity
-commit to your decision
-make sure to use 'fuck you' as the cherry on the sundae

SPOLIER:
I love this movie, but the ending is open to interpretation. He DOES go crawling back to the company- but he does so after seeing America. Seeing what else is out there and noticing he had a sweet gig. His wife also loses all their money in a casino which deftly places a burden on their circumstance. I guess the lesson of 'Lost in America' is that of 'fuck living- it's too crazy to make any sense out of'.

Review: Plastic Baggies

2010-10-07T11:27:00.002-04:00

Plastic baggies are super practical. For lunches, crime scene clean-ups, saving farts, and even dinners or breakfasts. Ziploc has a pretty strong strangle hold on the middle america users of these miracle baggies. But drug dealers and other smart people know that there is really no difference. No fun king difference. Red and blue make purple seal, yellow and green make yellow-green seal, it's all good. In fact, off brand baggies save money and only hardly ever break. What makes Ziploc better? Well without doing any research, my only conclusion is the name. Zip-Lock. Zip, "oh its quick like a zipper and fun because it starts with a Z and I love using that letter". Lock, "it's so sturdy though because it really locks! It's in the name." Fast-securing. Good job, name-comer-uppers. You should come up with a name for name-comer-uppers if you're so good at names, you nameless figureheads my misdirected anger is aimed at.

Anyway, here is my suggestions to off-brand baggie companies for names to help take down the ziploc monopoly (the ziplocopoly):
XpressSafe (weird first letter, good word for lock)
QuickGrasper (as with the next couple, this was just synonyms for 'fast' and 'secure')
RapidGrapple (kids would love saying it)
Bag-mediate (too genius, likely already exists)
Alacrit-bound (medieval dinosaur wizard spokesman)
VigorClamp-taché (coupon for business card tie in)
Dyna-clasp (font choice is important here)
Fort Bustle Bag (Skeleton in confederate uniform, sold exclusively in South East Dollar stores)
Dash-cure (Giant made of Rock (no nose) with a hard hat on- he looks like he was jumping off a plane, and in commercials always runs... tracks starts fires? tracks start lightening? tracks start time warp and he time travels?)
HurryFirmy (advertise to women, benefit breast cancer)
BoundaWaltz (advertise to gay men, benefit Museums)
Chasta-Whiz (advertise to Christian teens, get other teens to model with bright colored shirts, have bible verse on box- doesn't matter which one)

TOP 3 NAMES:
Z-cure Zeal
-Goldilocks meets Red Riding Hood and they go to the 3 bears house. The girls put porridge in baggies and then discover that the 3 bears are dressed as Grandma. Cut to: cut up pieces of the girls in baggies in the bear's fridge. (different size bags angle)

Wind Beneath My Baggie
-Clouds, stratus not nimbus, shown. Women voice-over says anything (touching on subjects of love, mortgage rates, accepting your age). Sun going down. Tack on line: 'make sure your plastic bags are secure, choose (title screen dissolves in with harp music) Wind beneath my baggie.'

ZimPlox
-Do the exact same thing as ziploc, but with different race of actors.

Review: Abstract Realism

2010-10-06T16:11:00.004-04:00

The horse bridled its saddle, and left out a snort so loudly that it mussed the Cyclops' hair over its eye. "I know you're used to wearing the saddle, rather than put it on- but this is ridiculous," quipped the Cyclops pausing an exact 6 seconds for laughter, a laughter too far off to be heard.

Taking off one of his eyelashes, lighting it with his heat vision, and then smoking it- the horse thought to himself, "I know I can talk, I just need to have confidence, I know I can do it." The smoke off the horse's eyelash cigarette caused a wax to build-up around the sides of the Cyclops' eye.

The Cyclops raised his calloused fingers and with his index and thumb pinched off the wax, whipping it to the ground. The wax started moving and magically shot up- "Freedom! Freedom! My hunchbacked is now carrying the weight of freedom!" The wax then ran out of the crashed spaceship that was in the shape of a neckerchief that was acting as the cave for the 2 mismatched mothers-to-be, the cyclops and the horse.

"Is that what birth looks like?" was what the horse tried to say, but what came out was, "I was raped by the Eiffel Tower," and a biting of the Cyclops.

Bleeding to his death, with a faint smile mapped across his lower lip and a 9 inch by 9 inch tear in his eye, the Cyclops was stunted by the horse's first words. Throughout their time together, the Cyclops' affinity for the horse grew drabbier and draubier, but this sign of life- the Cyclops knew the horse was going to be ok. "When you say 'by'," the Cyclops sputtered, "do you mean 'near' or do you mean the Eiffel Tower came to life and fucked you?"

The tear dropped to the ground simultaneously as the 17 month pregnant horse's water broke. Washed away were the centipede scrotums that were the currency of this parallel universe, the Easy Bake Oven Instructions the Cyclops claimed to have tattooed on his ankles now became a smear across his glorious limb. The horse was distracted by the semi-tide of their human fluids and felt no pain. From the ground, the Cyclops convulsing in horse bite pain, had a one-of-a-kind view of the horse's birthing canal. She saw a mini-Eiffel tower, its tip puncturing horse vagina, its intricate sides entwined by horse hair.

The horse put out the eyelash cigarette. There would be no fall semester this fall semester. There would be no innocence to speak of.

Review: Kirstie Alley as a Brand

2010-10-05T17:47:00.003-04:00

Why this...

When this...

Jews for Jesus is off the hook and sense has officially jumped the shark.

(editor's note: We here at Dumb Reviews apologize for offending everyone by posting a picture of Kirstie Alley. It was artistic integrity but we knew her face is offensive to most if not all if not god)

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE: When My Wife Fell Asleep Week 2

2010-10-04T16:44:00.004-04:00

I am a nut about sketch comedy. A big ol nut, dripping nut sauce on an area designed to receive such a sauce. That's why I watch SNL. Not because it's good. But because there is a promise that maybe I might find something good in it. Take this week for example: I noticed how brilliant Fred Armisen executes his saxophone cues in 'What's Up with That' or the controlled face acting of Bobby Moynahan in the cold open and in the Anthony Crispano desk piece. FUN STUFF.

But mostly, SNL sucks. That's why I never talked much about it before despite my detailed watching. That's changed because, man, do I need to fill content.

So I'll say a couple of things I liked, and noticed, and how much I think Bill Hader will win an Oscar in the 2040s, and then I'll mention when my wife well asleep during it (to be fair- she has class on Sundays and has to wake up at 7) (to be fair to her class- she loves me and wants to spend time with me). I am not going to say anything bad about the show (well..) because I know people are trying and everyone else knows its bad.

OK- I already mentioned some things I like. I also like Bryan Cranston. He really is the only reason to watch the last couple seasons of Malcolm in the Middle and the episode where Hal becomes a painter is something to seek out. Also Breaking Bad- genius, wrenching, compliments, cancer, strong turn, really?, provokes, commitment, job well done. So I had higher hopes, which only makes for a even more bloody and mangled crash against the rocks of reality f SNL. So- Vanessa Bayer, you are being watched- way to make a repeated joke funny. Hopefully they won't make you do that 4 times this season. Some bias here: Fred Armisen singing. He has such a parody presence of performers singing. His commitment to detail is something to watch for every single week. He made the best sketch of the night, Bjelland Brothers, perfectly ridiculous. There was also a Tim Burton dig about adapting Goodnight Moon, which ruined another Goodnight Moon thing I wrote. But that's personal.

My wife fell asleep during that best sketch of the night. Which is kind of decent for her. She usually makes it to the first performance. But she lasted thru weekend update, and got to here a couple refraind of "I sent a bottle of sparkling a-pple juice to your house.... didya getit?" which, if anything, rocked her to sleep.

Rocked her. Rockter. ROCKTOBER. This month. The world.

LET'S LOOK AT THE IMDB PAGE OF!: Hey, IMDB updated?

2010-10-01T16:09:00.006-04:00

I guess you were tired of being a mere data-base and decided to give into Hollywood marketing bull shit. I mean you had an air of 'nerds doin drab industry work'. Now you have that same feeling but with a schmeer of douchebag to your name. Whatever- like I ever visit your homepage anyway (if I did, I would find out such useful info as whats on TV, whats in theaters, and whose birthday it is- those aren't bad things to know by any means, just that you have so much more to offer than a homepage).

IMDB changed- for the better? Probably, but they've been so... so- upright all this time that a change is taking time getting used to. The key to IMDB has always been the information. Which is still there. So in order to properly talk about it, I should use an example- let's look at the IMDB page of Omarion.

1. I searched from the homepage- look at the first result I got: http://www.imdb.com/find?s=all&q=OMARION

2. The rest of the post:

At Quick Glance We See:
His picture is blurry. The initial picture of the actor is quite larger than old IMDB, so if they didn't update the picture- they just stretched it out. It's very tacky, but still its very Omarion. The bios on IMDB are now more prevalent so now we can really know Omarion was in B2k and that B2k actually stands for something (boys of the new millenium- the B stands for boys).

The worst feature on new imdb is basically you have to scroll just a little bit more. So that just proves how lazy I am. They also have larger font, which makes me feel like an idiot for some reason. Also Omarion has 12 acting credits. I am more surprised that I had an opinion on the number of acting credits than I was surprised there weren't more acting credits.

15 Minutes into the Page:

I found out Omarion has a biography? Which you can buy NEW for 2.59, or used for one penny.

Good news is that if you click on a link to go deeper into IMDB, you get the old sidebar back! And Omarion has trademarks! If you click this link, it actually says- under TRIVIA- that he "is African-American".

The KEYWORDS for Omarian prove that again, he is black, he does many award shows, and that Character-name-in-the-title is #1 keyword for him means he does a lot of personal appearances and isn't really an actor.

People are the Best:
He's a sex object- oh. Makes sense now. So it makes sense why I know his name, because crazy fans actually generate money. Like this fan who wanted to know about Omarion's safety when they heard there was an attack in Glasgow and London. There was a terrorist attack where people surely died, and the first thing you can think of is if Omarion is safe? He wasn't even relevant then, let alone ever. I shouldn't be getting mad or whatever emotion I am conveying. He is a teen idol for a certain group in the mid 2000s. Let's look closer at one of these fans: On this thread, I found Omarion super fan ladyboose10. Most of her posts are about Omarion, and her opinion of him ranges from rage at unrelated posts to defensively misspelling to deep sentiments of "i think he is so so so so so so so fine so fine it drives me crazy". Her name is Verhonda. I'd call her Vertoyota and Verlandrover if I knew her personally.

SEE- even though IMDB has changed, I proved to myself that I can still have a good time making fun of the people who use it. Thanks me. You're the I'm the best.

Review: Your Dad on the Internet

2010-09-30T10:16:00.003-04:00

"Hon, I'm about to hit send.... no I didn't ask him about that... I'm gonna hit send anyway... I already hit it..... It's gonna be 54 degrees tonight.... No, just cloudy.... well, I'm checking sports now... I don't know how to open a new tab... I know I should've asked him how in the e-mail but I already hit send.... google it? Is that the search in the top bar?.... Hey Tony Curtis died.... Tony Curtis.... you like him.... 'Some Like It Hot'... 'Spartacus'.... he was in 'Bad News Bears Go to Japan'... No, I'm reading this on Yahoo!.... because it's our homepage. I can just click home it's easier.... they probably have the same listings as Google... Sorry, I'm still looking at Sports... No that is not code for porn... No don't come in here.... What do you mean it stays on the computer forever?.... well I don't..... I DON'T.... you looked at the history?.... Keith showed you how?.... So I play online poker.... So I play online beer pong... So I play online cock fighting.... How do you logout of Facebook?.... No I don't use it for that.... So I used a younger picture of me... it says I'm married to you on it.... No I said 'on it'... I can become a fan of 'wearing your seat belt improperly for comfort'.... you wanna see what Lady Ga-gah is wearing, it's better than the last one.... Well what if I do find her attractive?.... Well maybe you should dress like that... oh no, hone, you're thinking of Kerry Perry."